My son told me yesterday that when I have two more babies (another boy and a girl) he will be able to do things with them.

�But only two more Mommy�.

My SIL is pregnant, again.

Two plus one equals,

I am sad.

Anyone could see this coming, well anyone who knows me at all. People my age shouldn�t be having children. I read the boards every time some older celebrity gets pregnant through whatever means are available to people who don�t have to worry about how they would pay for the means to get pregnant at my age. People rail on the selfishness of these women. Who will raise these children when Mom is too old to do so? Who wants a Mom who looks like your Grandma? Are they selfish? Am I?

My little boy is all alone. While this is far from a crime or a liability I am sorry for him. Maybe because I know I won�t be around for most of his life I want there to be more to our family than just the three of us. I want him to have the siblings he craves even if he really doesn�t understand what that means to him in real life. I know he doesn�t understand what another child will do to the attention he receives (although I don�t give him near enough attention for him to be truly spoiled.) But he hears the other children at school bragging about their older and/or younger siblings and he wants what they have. He is lonely and I can�t seem to assuage his loneliness. I�m not sure I want to exactly. I want him to know how to be alone. It�s a very important skill, being alone. One I never quite mastered. For a short time I wallowed alone but I don�t think that counts. (To be honest I�m a bit embarrassed with the time I spent feeling bad, from here is seems so self-pitying).

So, am I self-pitying again and using my son�s childish longing for a sibling to bolster a silly childish wish of mine?

Trouble is, with or without an ability to deliver siblings I continue to be sad when I think of it. I am jealous of the SIL, hell I am jealous of all pregnant women everywhere. Talk about childish. It�s funny, this topic comes up probably as regularly as my cycle if not as frequently (really, 22-26 days, sometimes less than three weeks, it�s mean I tell you). But as long as I am regular I still have hope and that is the problem. If only I could just give up. If I could stop wanting so very bad. Then maybe it wouldn�t be so bad when my son asks when I�m going to have another baby. Maybe I could just be happy for my SIL instead of thinking how very unfair that she can have so many and I only have one.

Oh, but what an incredible one he is. He is sweet and kind, and he laughs so hard, he is so beautiful. He likes to make people laugh, and he wants to include everyone in the fun. I have never seen him exclude anyone from anything. I like him very much. I love him more than I thought I could. Having my son made me love my Darling more (if that is possible) because he helped me make our little boy. And loving My Darling makes me want to have another with him. It�s very unfair to My Darling that he married a woman who can�t give him the family he deserves, the family he could have had with a woman his age instead me.

All sorts of reasons, all of which still fall down on the side of, so sorry too late for you, and I am stuck where a lot of women find themselves; I didn�t realize I wanted this until it was too late and now I wish I had more time, or the means to give myself more time.

Nothing to do but be sad for a while, sorry.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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