I lost my brain today. I mean my emotions sent me right over the edge so fast I broke the fridge. I'm having problems right now. I am sad, I feel lonely and lost sometimes. My Darling is fine, he is decent and good, not perfect of course and we butt heads from time to time but lately I am overwhelmed with anger, or hurt, sadness. It gets away from me. It is so hard to explain. Then I go to work and I walk an even keel to the best of my ability and Bam! there's a little girl, still a child, losing it with me over something that wasn't her problem and with whom I was neither angry nor opposing and I think "is that me?" Am I the one at home who loses it for no reason while everyone around shakes their head and can't figure out what is the problem.

I have to admit, it seems easier to hold it together at work but maybe it is just harder to think of going crazy right there in front of everyone. I think I am more vulnerable at home too. This is the person I love, he can't help but rub me wrong sometimes and here in my home I am the most fragile because by the time I get home I am exhausted with the effort of "being normal" for the rest of the world and I want to let "my belly hang out" if you will.

Winter has been too long and spring is still toying with us. Summer will be short and we will be back again into the darkness. How can I enjoy the light when I can see the darkness salivating for me?

I need to run, when I run the screaming in my head is muffled.

I have to go and make popcorn. Since MY Darlings co-workers went in on a 50 lb bag of popcorn and sugar I have become a popcorn whore. I must make it whenever they ask. Most of the time I don't mind, it is nice that someone thinks I do something well, even if it is just kettle corn, but tonight I would rather be doing anything else.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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