I am all twisted up right now. My Darling and I just celebrated our 6th anniversary. I am so in love with him, every year just makes me happier to have found him. My Little boy is the light of my life. He makes me laugh every day. But...always but...my emotions are out of whack. Of course I can point to the perimenopause for some of the upset but it is easy to chalk everything up to that and I am not sure if that is true. I am not sure who I am right now. My life has been so fractured. There are so many things I have done but also so many things I have not done. What could be ahead of me is so sketchy right now.

I am intimidated by the Moms at school, worried about what they think of me. I am lost in that world. It is so sad that I can be almost 50 and still be so afraid of people. I am afraid of people, they confuse me, and always have.

My folks are at that place where they must move into a smaller, safer home and I desperately want them nearby but they are so set in their hometown I just don't know if I can drag them away. But if they don't come here they will soon be too old to travel and they will be out of my (and worse my sons) life. Yes there is the phone and skype but it isn't the same. The only people in the world who I feel comfortable with are so very far away.

I am a little angry that my brothers big reason for not wanting my folks here in MI is my Mom manages his bills. He is 44 years old and mommy still does his bills. Yes, I know he would miss them but I have missed them for many, many years now and I am the one with the little one and he deserves to have grandparents. I still treasure my memories of living so close to my grandparents. They were right next door and I could see them everyday. How lucky I was. I want my son to have that.

I'm the classic sandwicher now.

Still out of work and ever doubtful of my chances to ever work a 9 to 5 again. I don't want to be a waitress anymore. I refer above to the people intimidate me, I am confused and frustrated by them. This job takes so much effort, not just the physical multitasking and doing the job part but the emotional part that is impossible to separate and builds with every table, every shift.

AND my belly hurts. Not emotionally, physically. I have been to the doctor and she says the tests say my hormones are normal, not even really into perimenopause. Of course the belly pain is new. I hate to go back to the doctor, I feel like a hypochondriac but if it really hurts are shouldn't you check it out? I am also afraid that it is something serious.

AND I still want a baby. It is selfish and stupid and I want it anyway. My son says he wants to have four children so he will be able to play with them and they will have someone to play with. Not that he will be able to play with any child I have but still, he would have a sibling.

See what I mean, crazy twisted up so bad I couldn't even come here and spill it out. Even though I have I still haven't dumped it all. Too much going on, too much to process. Too much stuff.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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