I'm not, I thought I was, I wanted to be but two tests down and I am most definitely not. Sucks. Things were different this skip, I felt different so it seemed as though I might be one of those women, those very few women.

I was heartbroken, for a whole day. I soaked and slept and was sad, so very sad but today I had things to do and I couldn't indulge my emotions any more. I'm actually getting good at shutting down. Turn off the feelings, like a switch. It doesn't affect my feelings for my son or even My Darling (although I think it bothers him that I don't share my feelings more). It is easier for me to shut it all down if it is just me and no one else is involved. If I let go it will get away from me. Switch it off, push it down, it will fade away time will take it all away. Soon I will not even be able to hope, it will be gone forever. I pissed it all away, all those years when I was hopeless and lost and now, now when I have both light and love in my life it is too late to add to our family. It hurts me.

Just another skip, but they all hurt me, every one, I just thought this was different, foolish me.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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