It been a long four days. Friday we set off shortly after My Darling got home to grab a bite to eat (Mexican) and pick up the wood to build the sandbox. The we have been to the restaurant many times so I was sure I would find something that appealed to me. Worst case I could have my usual. Right when we get there I am assailed by the servers heavy cologne. It is awful, turns my stomach actually, I toy with the idea of asking for a different server but decide to just ignore it. After all he won't be standing there while I eat, I'll just hold my breath until he leaves. I ask for no peppers and could I substitute extra Pico de gallo, "you want extra pico de gallo?" he says. "No I want to sub". "No it's different price, you want anyway?" "No". I complain to My Darling about the cologne and suggest I will say something on the way out. He looks embarrassed and tells me that's what comment cards are for. I decide to let it go. My meal arrives and there is no pico at all. I know it comes with what I ordered so I'm upset. "I swear, you always have trouble at restaurants" says My Darling, "it's gotten so I hate going out to eat with you." I feel crappy. He's right, nothing ever seems to go right in restaurants, I always have to complain about something. I try and be nice about it but I can see how that would get irritating after a while. I decide to let it go and eat it as is. My Darling stops the waiter and asks about the pico. "Oh yes, sorry" he says and comes back with a tablespoon of the stuff. Now I would like to say how I would have brought some extra knowing I wanted it and that I screwed up and missed the pico. but instead I say nothing, I don't want My Darling to always feel like I complain all the time.

We get the wood and scope a few other things (including a steering wheel for the playset) Baby Boy loves the thing, life is so simple for them. Home to unload and once again the garage is piled up with stuff so the dojo carpet stays where it is.

Saturday we start, somewhat bight and early, building the sandbox into the play set. I had already spent one day (Friday) digging the hole (three tractor loads) and added two more tractor loads to the pile of dirt My Darling spent the morning turning into a bike drop/jump. Next I framed up the outer box then finally the inner box (inside the fort). By the time it was done it was time for dinner. My Darling made dinner for us and then filled the box with sand. The next morning our two year old spent ten minutes in the thing (thrilled as he was) before getting underfoot as we prepared the site for the pool. We pd the extra 9 dollars for an addition yd of sand and now had too much left in the site. We decided to make it work. I was elected to head to the grocery store for a couple of staples and a 2x4x12 to level the site. All I will say is leveling did not go well and we were both unhappy for a while. Things didn't go well after that as the heat and tension got the best of us. We made another trip out (for o rings) and although we didn't find the rings we picked up some sparklers which the little one enjoyed before heading off late for his bed.

Monday was horribly hot, reaching 102 at one point (maybe higher I'm not sure). At the height of the heat we lost power. I swear to you we lose power at the drop of a hat. While this is no My Darlings fault I feel like every time I complain about it he take is personally. I'm mean really, why would I blame him for this areas crappy power grid. He didn't build it and we picked the house together, not knowing anything about that. There is no way we could have known. I just want to rant about it a bit, but I have to shut up so as not to make My Darling feel bad.

Sometimes I get a little resentful because I do things all the time to be nice. I know his issues and I am careful to be kind around them. He on the other hand, unaware it seems of my kindness, doesn't seem to understand this concept and feels comfortable ragging on my issues, valid I know, but still I wish that he would be nicer about it. I suppose I should be happy that he feels comfortable enough to not sugar coat things with me. He feels as though we are in for the long haul and that should make me feel secure but sometimes, most times I feel as though I wouldn't want to live with me. In fact, despite the fact that he is NOT ragging on me all the time, in fact he is incredibly supportive and loving I am painfully aware of all the things I do wrong or can't seem to do right over and over. Of all the things I miss around me. I miss huge things, like raccoons in a trap, two of them, right there, right next to me. I feel like an idiot. Over and over I feel like an idiot. Over and over I do these things.

I have to go back to work soon. I am terrified. I am afraid I will fall apart again. I am ashamed to face the people I work with and I am painfully aware that not one of them cared enough to call the whole time I was off. I even texted one of the girls a couple of times and received nothing in return. I am not missed and perhaps even insufferable at work and who wants to that person? I don't want to go, I really really don't but I don't see another choice, we need the money, we can't go the winter without my income and I can't make enough money at any other job. I have to go back. I don't want to start over at a different restaurant, which is counter intuitive based on the above but no matter where you go there you are. If I am the cause of my problems (and I am) then no matter where I go it will be the same. I will have to learn all sorts of new (boring) stuff so I can be despised by a new group of people.

Have to go to the therapist today. I have no one to talk to except someone who is paid to listen to me and pretend to like me.

gotta go

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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