Tomorrow I am back to the therapist to do whatever it is we are going to do to help me function better. My impulse is to say to "fix" me but that suggests I am broken when really I am just not functioning well right now. I am who I have always been, it's just harder to move myself through the moments.

Right now my laundry basket is overflowing, my sink is full of dirty dishes and the house is in need of a good cleaning. Don't get me wrong, we aren't dirty here but the work is piling up and I have no energy or desire to do much. I feel like I am floating around. While grocery shopping today I took a full 20 min to pick out a pair of sunglasses and then bought the wrong pair. Or maybe I bought the pair I wanted and I forget that I decided on that pair instead of the one I thought I bought. Confused? Yeah, me too, quite a bit of the time.

I don't hear things or I hear them wrong. I don't notice things or I see things that aren't there (not the hallucination kind of seeing but the out of the corner of your eye what was that kind of thing). I'm tired all the time and I am just beginning to "enjoy" that wonderful time of life when I woman's body betrays her yet again in a big way. After years of torture, now the whole shebang ends with a last systemic hormonal free for all wreaking havoc from stem to stern. Yippee! What fun. Your time is up, the clock is shutting down, you don't have to go home but you can't stay here the party is over. Blech.

I guess because I feel so young and I am so far behind everyone else my age in lifestyle I thought I would have more time. I am older than I feel. I am my age despite my denial and youthful appearance.

So now I have more stuff to muddy the waters. I have so much emotional crap piling up (along with my dishes, don't forget) and now I get to add perimenopause? Not nice. Of course in the larger scheme I should be thankful. After all, its a normal part of aging that isn't going to kill me it's just going to be irritating. There are far worse medical issues I could be facing right now. Of course that are much nicer medical issues I could be facing too and that thought leaves me depressed. We all want what we can't have (well not all of us, some folks are more well balanced and realistic than I).

One of the recommendations in the book I was assigned to read was to write things down. In fact the Dr. suggests that the folks least willing to write are the ones who invariably fail to achieve recovery. Writing works things out in black and white (DUH!). I know this but there is that conundrum. I should write because it is good for me but I don't want to do anything, including write, so it becomes just another "should" that I don't do and feel really bad about. Then as I fail to improve I know for sure it is my fault and so I feel even worse and continue to feel more and more horrible. Follow me down the hole? Of course I am here right now, writing, working, trying to think things through the only way I know how so that is something.

Hugs to my Dears who have suffered loss, I am thinking of you and wishing you Peace.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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