It's the middle of the night and I am wide awake. Well not the middle of the night, the middle of MY night (we go to be early cause My Darling must be up at 3 in the morning to head off to work). I go to sleep ok and then an hour or so later boom, I am awake. The comes the thoughts. Thoughts of work, home family. Random stuff, stupid stuff, odd stuff. Traipsing around in my head.

I just started the handbook I am supposed to read for my therapy appointment on Saturday. I ordered it online and it has yet to arrive so I broke down and bought it so I wouldn't head to my second appointment without having even started the book she asked me to read. She let me know upfront she was a hard-ass and I feel as though I don't need to disappoint and anger yet another person in my life. Especially the person who I have asked to help me. What message does that send "yes I want to get better but I'm too lazy to do the work you wanted".

The book offers little new information at this point. I know that most of my problem is me and how I perceive the world. I know too that most of peoples problem with me is how they perceive the world. I get worked up about stuff. I talk myself into thinking. I listen to the voice in my head (a girl I work with claims she has no voice in her head, how I envy her). My voice tells me I am a failure. It says things should be easier for me and it is my fault I struggle. If I were a better person I wouldn't have these problems. My voice doesn't like me. I know that I am my voice and I know that it is over-reacting. I know it isn't real but still it has some valid points. I am not a good waitress. I am ok. Most of the time I provide adequate service. Sometimes even excellent service, but I also screw up so completely that I want to just stop and run away, I want to cry right there in the middle of the restaurant. I keep reminding the cooks (who think I am incompetent) that I am not waitress, I am a chemical technician. I worked in laboratories with instruments. I don't belong there. That too is part of the negative thinking that gets me in trouble. For all my fear and loathing I am still considered a "strong" waitress. Weak servers are partnered with me for me to pick up the slack when they falter. I can manage the place on my own in the afternoon when we are slow even though we get hit from time to time. In fact I am best during those times because I feel like my concentration is strong and my organization is solid as a rock.

Wednesday night is the worst for me. Although Mondays and Tuesdays are my long days and thus provide more opportunities to fall flat on my face, Thursdays I work with a tough crowd. The manager is a shark, swimming the waters searching for the slightest sign of weakness then she pounces making you feel as though you can not do your job because she is doing it for you. She manufactures this feeling on purpose, taking orders from customers happy to wait the couple of minutes while you deliver another tables food and then announcing loudly that she has taken it. She is also responsible for the only two write-ups I have received with the company, both of which were bogus. She puts me on edge from the get go.

Then there is the woman who has worked there for 16 years. She is super waitress, everyone loves her, nary a problem ever. She doesn't like me and her friend is the one who announced that she knew I hated her and she hated me too. (For the record I reserved hate for people who torture animals for fun and other such miscreants). She has admitted as much to me (so I am not "mind reading") offering as well that nobody liked to work with me because I put them all on edge. She talks to herself constantly. It's how she focuses. I understand that lots of folks do that but she is particularly bad. She has often claimed that she told me when my food was ready or my table was sat but I never hear her. I couldn't figure out why until recently. I have tuned out her voice. It is nothing more now than a drone in the background, like the music that plays over the loudspeaker that I have to stop and consciously listen to in order to hear it. I have told her such and others say the same but never the less "she" always keeps and ear out for things and she thinks I am weak because I can't. Also she is an island. She doesn't believe in team serving. She takes care of her tables and only her tables. She will not set up your table unless she is trying to poach a regular. She thinks anyone who needs help is weak and she doesn't like working with them. She is always my partner on Thursdays because my regular partner is off. Most of the time poor C is partnered with me. She is stuck with me twice a week. What I should focus on (Rather than how much P hates to work with me) is that C claims that she looks forward to working with me (and not just because I bake really good chocolate chip cookies).

Sixteen years is a long time to do anything. You are bound to get really good at it. She has the best shift and lots of regulars. and she really is very good. I just wish I didn't always feel so incompetent around her, and alone. No one to watch my back on Thursday. No one to protect me from the shark manager and the other predatory fish in this ocean.

I hate Thursdays with a passion. But like Sundays (which I have already given up to the detriment of my income) it is one of my best days. So I swim with the sharks.

My Darling is sleeping but I know he may wake and worry because I am not there. I just needed to get this out. I will still lay there dreading the morrow but I will fall asleep eventually and I will get through another day and I will survive.

Night

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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