Let it go.

How many times have we told ourselves we just need to let it go? There are so many little triggers for our reactions tied to past experience that we thought we were over. The past never quite in the past, always creeping up on you at inconvenient times ruining perfectly good moments with misunderstanding or simply irrational behavior. I constantly struggle with the concept and the reality of letting go. I wonder if it is even possible to let go in the therapeutic sense of the concept. If one could divorce oneself from past experience one could theoretically face new experiences as a child, with no preconceived notions or habitual responses. In other words the patterns you have engraved in your brain could be restructured and your ex wouldn�t continue to have control of your life years after the last time you had any contact. Of course in fairness to my ex not all of my bad behavior patterns come from my years with him. In fact behaviors from previous relationships sexual and platonic set me up for the advantage he was able to take. So here I am halfway through my life (hopefully) trying to figure out how to reform the thought pattern embedded in my brain.

My first step is probably to figure out what is and isn�t true in my self evaluation. In order to do that, I must call upon my friends both 3D and 2D to provide me with feedback. Of course that does lend itself to the possibility of repetition of the previous problem of my skewed vision of myself based on less than valuable friendships. Still I have no other way to measure my self awareness. One could think themselves quite stunningly beautiful but in reality be somewhat plain, beauty being in the eye of the beholder. Then again should you force your view of beauty on the lucky soul who doesn�t pick upon their every flaw and instead sees their beauty as incontrovertible? Where is the fine line between constructive criticism and deconstructive denigration? And, how do you tell the difference?

And so it goes. I must trust in order to grow and my need for growth stems from misplaced trust. This is just another example of the terrible circle that dominates my existence. Round and round I go struggling to determine what is and isn�t real. I get distracted by the simple act of preparing dinner, lost in thoughts of pasta and chicken and appear to be caught up in far deeper thought. How silly to realize that I don�t have nearly the depth I appear to have at times. Then there are the truly deep thoughts that have garnered the �you think too much� commentary and the �I�m glad I don�t think about things like that� statements that make me feel as though I am completely misplaced. I know there are plenty of people thinking these thoughts and many of them to some financial success but I am continually surrounded by folks more interested in celebrity goings on that black holes and philosophical concepts. So I read the rags and talk of silliness and I fit, sort of, into the mainstream. But I feel cheated. I feel as though I deserve to talk of string theory and existentialism and that I shouldn�t be belittled for such interests.

See how easily I am distracted from my original thoughts? How do I judge my personality retain the constructive and discard the destructive? I suppose I should detail what I have so far.

1.) I am not demanding, in fact I rarely ask for anything and generally defer to anyone else�s wants or needs over any personal desires I might entertain.
2.) I am not needy, I rarely ask for help with anything since help has not been provided with any consistency over the years.
3.) I am a good friend but I don�t offer friendship easily and when offered I am not quick to recognize poor treatment within that relationship. I don�t cut and run soon enough when I suspect a one-sided relationship and so my heart has been broken repeatedly by so called friends.
4.) I hate asking people to read my stuff, look at my art or listen to my singing and/or performances. This place is an exception since one can come anonymously or not as you prefer and don�t have to respond (although I must admit I like responses because I am, after all, only human). It is not like trapping someone who loves you and forcing them to pretend to like something out of love and kindness. Or insisting that they spend time they would like to spend on other pursuits.

The changes that I must make:

1.) I must learn to ask for things and brave the consequences including receiving or being refused the objects I desire.
2.) I must learn to ask for help and in extension allow myself to be helped rather than attempting to do it all.
3.) The friendship thing I�m not certain of what to do and so for now I will leave it alone.
4.) My Darling has expressed an interest in my stuff, my life and so have some others. I will try and place more things out there for others to see, even if I don�t ask directly (I still don�t want people to feel trapped).

For now there must be more self exploration couple with sharing thoughts with My Darling and limited other trusted sources to determine what is and what is not of benefit to me and the person I wish to be. I need to be a better example to Baby Boy and a better partner to My Darling. If I�m not growing then I am not truly living. I have finally decided I want to live and that means I must do so to the best of my ability and with all my heart and soul.

Out with the bad and in with the good, letting go again and again until it finally sticks.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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