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2008-04-29 - 6:58 a.m.

I�ve been really busy lately; busy working, busy around the house, but most of all busy working on myself. I thought I had grown as a person; after all I am so not the person I was more than four years ago when I locked my door and shut out the man who had tortured me for a while and shortly later met the man who would make my dreams (dreams I didn�t even know I had) come true. I know that I have grown but I had fallen into a rut, comfortable in my habits feeling as though I was happy and My Darling was happy too. I was only partially right. We are happy but there is room for change for both of us. Good relationships morph and change into better relationships with hard work and increased communication. Talking (even shouting) can bring about significant changes (and even tiny little changes) that produce enduring relationships.

So here I am the queen of �keep it to your self cause no one really wants to know� practiced only in writing here for all the world (ok the few people who read) and nothing revealed to the ones I love. That isn�t true either, there is revelation but only after I have worked through my emotions and that means that I don�t get any input from the people who love me most before I decide their fate (as it applies to me and mine). Who�s the selfish beahch and when did she become me? Now after many years of thinking myself �cured� by the medication that so radically changed my world I am expected to change more, how unfair. I can�t believe how self involved I have been these past few years, totally missing the cues that My Darling has given about what he needs to be happy. Not to mention missing the crowbar he has wielded to rip even the slightest want from my vault of �if you don�t ask for it you can�t be disappointed when you don�t get it�. I find that funny since I often quote my fathers statement of �it never hurts to ask; the worse they can say is no and then you are right where you started.� There is nothing more agonizing than asking your best friends for something and finding them unwilling to go out of their way to help, the worse they can say is no. So I sucked down inside myself and told myself that I would do what I needed to take care of myself and expect nothing. Like I said, selfish.

My Darling wants to work on us. He recognizes our problems which are a blend of his issues, my issues and our issues and he wants us to get better. He believes in a better so for once I can too. It�s hard to believe things could get better but then I�m not really much of an expector so there is no frame of reference.

Now here is where it gets really strange.

The statement �I am not an expector� is not only incorrect usage of a non existent form of �expect�, is isn�t true. I expect things all the time. Every time I give I expect something in return. I never give any part of myself without expecting an action or reaction. I don�t give of myself because of fear of an action or reaction. This means our relationship suffers from actions or reactions expected on my part completely unbeknownst to My Darling. He has admitted to discomfort in �inviting himself in� leading him to rely on a persons ability to see through his demeanor and understand what he wants. I think I mentioned this before. Sounds like a plot for a movie doesn�t it? Let�s take a man who can�t bring himself to ask and throw him in with a woman who doesn�t give unless asked and see the fun which ensues.

Lucky for me My Darling overcame some of his discomfort enough to put the problem on the table. Now the work begins. I must learn how to be this kind of brutally honest for him. I need to put myself out there without worrying whether he will say anything about anything. I still keep looking for validation. Even here I look for responses, feeling quite shallow even as I return again and again to my notes page to see if anyone has commented. I can�t seem to get past the little girl who looked for the applause, sought out approval from any and all and lay crushed whenever that approval was with held. I must rid myself of the five year old.

I wish I could stay and whine a little more but I have homework to do and I think this is the most important homework I have ever done. There is nothing more important to me than working on my relationship. I love My Darling with all my heart, now I must love him with every part of me, free and with out expectation. He doesn�t even have to respond if he doesn�t want to. Everything I will say is to let him in and I will simply have to trust and validate myself. And no, mental illness is no excuse so I will not use it as such. I don�t always trust my feelings but what better way to figure them out than to share them with the man who would give his life to protect Baby Boy and me? I truly believe he has our best interests at heart (as I do his).

Gotta go, lots of important work to do.

I wish you Peace

~alison~


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