I�ve been doing a lot of talking lately, sharing. Bits and pieces doled out at random to fulfill my desire to unhide. I can�t let go of everything in part because I am not prepared to go there and in part that I sometimes don�t remember stuff until a moment brings it back.

Once, early on in my relationship My Darling got angry and slammed around the house a bit. I went and hid in the bathroom. It�s what I do when I don�t know what to do. He thought I might have been physically abused by my ex and was afraid of him because of that experience. He remembered that and we talked about the nature of the abuse I received at the hands of my ex. My Darling remembers when we first began I would take responsibility for everything. I apologized even when it wasn�t really my fault because I could always see fault on my part in every situation. If I had done something different then the outcome would have been different thus the outcome whatever it was, was my fault. It reveals an ego and a driving belief that if I could simply do things better I would cause less pain and suffering both mine and the people around me. It�s the classic abused woman�s perspective. If I didn�t do the things that piss him off I wouldn�t get hit thus the beatings are my fault, thus I deserve to be hit and he is released from all responsibility. I can see where My Darling might have suspected physical abuse. But as we now know there are much more insidious forms of abuse. I sometimes wished my ex would hit me just because I think the physical pain would have been easier to bear than the agony I would feel when he withdrew his affections and left me alone in the same room with him. Nothing I could do would change the situation and I was forced to apologize again and again until he finally �forgave� me for whatever perceived wrong I committed. It was a beating that left no marks. I wanted to run away and hide but there was no where to go and so I was trapped, feeling miserable with no relief in sight. It was exhausting and drove the drinking later on. Not that I am blaming my problem on him, but I sought release from him rather than life in general at that time, escaping our troubles rather than the two of us sharing our suffering in the cups.

It was during our conversation and my sharing that I discovered that I had been handled poorly by most of my lovers from my first who abandoned me immediately after never to contact me again, through my second encounter which can only be described as date rape into the random encounters with men some of whom I don�t really remember now. Embarrassing nights where I or my partner failed to attain any sexual pinnacle and instead left unsatisfied. I have been unsatisfied so much in my life that I don�t even view it as a problem. I love good sex but I am not bothered by less than stellar experiences because it�s still better than nothing most of the time. I would rather be loved poorly than never loved at all.

This is where my learning to share will benefit me. My Darling is wonderful but there could be more wonderful for me if I would simply clue him in. Men often complain about women not telling them what they want. They claim to want a road map but it has been my experience that they don�t want a sexual road map any more then they want an actual roadmap. Most of the men I have known either didn�t care to pleasure me or wanted to believe that they were already good at it. Any suggestion to improve the experience was received as a negative commentary on all past encounters and thus a mood breaker. Take what you can get and appreciate it, I used to say.

Ahem, Gentlemen! Just because a women suggests she might enjoy something you have never thought of or tried before doesn�t mean she has never enjoyed sex with you. It doesn�t mean she has faked enjoyment. It means that you have not stumbled onto a specific enjoyable stimulation for her and she assumed you would want to know. It is not a slur on your skills.

Ladies! If he truly loves you he does want to know. Men just have the same disease women do just affecting a different organ so to speak. If someone tells you a dress looks bad on you we don�t condemn the dress we condemn ourselves. They apply suggestions in bed to incompetence on their part. We all have our Achilles, mine revolves around the aesthetic of my belly for most men it is the size and his skills.

Sharing is still quite difficult for me but I am pushing the envelope and so far the balloon hasn�t burst. What I am learning about him sometimes makes me sad for him and sometimes scares me a little. I forget that I am not the only person who feels alone sometimes. I get so caught up in my own insanity I don�t see his suffering nor do I comfort him as consistently as he has comforted me. I need to be a better wife, not in the do everything right so there is no problem way but in the think about him and do things to show him how much I love him, randomly rather than in response to his request or a negative event.

He needs to know how much I love him. I love him more than anyone I have known. He is the love of my life, the father of my Baby Boy and the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I will grow old with him if the fates allow.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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