Thanks to Brian for calling BS on my last post. It�s not easy to admit that you have thoughts and feelings that you don�t feel comfortable sharing. It demonstrates a discomfort with yourself that I understand on an intellectual level but I still feel the embarrassment of not being the person I would like to be (wish I had been). I work with kids and I am still a little intimidated by the �cool� kids that work with me. I�m a grown up for god�s sake, why do they still give me that feeling that I�m not good enough. And good enough for what I ask.

Here is something I just figured out about myself. I need to tell a story to explain my epiphany (it�s ironic, trust me). At work the other day I developed a headache. Normally I would have been able to go out to my car and get acetaminophen from my purse but because of my car problems I was driving the jeep that day and had left my purse home because I had no trunk to secure it. I went up to my manager and launched into the details above, blah, blah, blah, car problems, blah, blah, blah, no purse, blah, blah, blah, no acetaminophen. Only after the long drawn out explanation did I finally mention the headache and ask her if she could provide medicine. I realized that I give way too much information to get to a simple point. I could have simply walked up and said �I have a headache, do you have anything I can take?� Simple, direct and I am sure effective. But no, I offer way too much information anytime I try and explain something or ask for anything. (You see the irony now, yes?). My Darling is aware of this problem of course (it is in fact a primary irritant and I can�t really blame him) but I�m just now discovering my �problem�. My Darling, in his wisdom, has pointed out to me that I don�t explain things so much as I tell stories. Go figure. I am a storyteller at heart so everything becomes a story in my hands. Folks I work with often tell me I should right a book with all my stories of my life. The things I have done are actually interesting when you realize that I have been there and done that in so many ways. I was amused when I heard my Ex telling lies about our travels (towards the end I heard it myself but I�m told he often told tall tales and folks knew to come to me for the truth). I never understood his desire to embellish our story since as far as I was concerned it was interesting enough as is.

The list of things I have done and experienced includes stuff I�m not really proud of. Many of the acts would upset and disappoint the folks who love me but I learned so much about myself and regret little of what I did when I was young. I am truly thankful I never caused harm to anyone but myself when I was abusing alcohol. I could have been one of those people whose life was publicly destroyed by alcohol but for shear luck. I would not wish my stumbling youth on another and certainly hope my Baby Boy does not follow my path but it served a purpose. If I tell my story, truly and honestly as I believe it happened, people I love and whose opinion matters to me would know all the embarrassing moments of my life. My Darlings family, my family and someday my little Baby Boy would be able to read all the dirty little secrets I tucked away so long ago.

But if I tell the story and leave out those pieces then it wouldn�t be my story. My Darling wants to know me better. He wants to understand me and know where I am coming from. He has walked the straight and narrow his whole life. I, on the other hand, dabbled in the bad side of life, curious about all levels of humanity. I wished to know the human condition from many perspectives, honing my empathy, gaining the ability to reserve judgment of people because I understand their condition and the difficulties they face. I can not see everyone �pulling themselves up by their bootstraps�. Some people do not have the tools nor do they have a hope of gaining them. There are no bootstraps to grab on to. The only folks I still have trouble forgiving are the ones who feel comfortable passing judgment on others. I know the hypocrisy I am experiencing. The judges of this world are as helpless as those they judge in many ways. They require the ability to feel superior in order to move through life. Still, it is difficult to do the right thing in light of my understanding of their perception.

Maybe My Darling would see the incredible gift I received from my misdeeds but perhaps, instead, he will be disturbed and disgusted by my behavior. Love turns on a dime and a change in perspective can alter forever your feelings for someone. It�s not a matter of trusting him; it a matter of trusting the unconditional quality of love. It�s trusting that there is such thing as unconditional love beyond the love of a child where there exists a memory of an innocent little child to soften the harsh edges of the angry young man or criminal. Every person was loved once. If this isn�t true it becomes even easier to forgive.

Right and wrong exists but experience blurs the edges and once you have crossed the border into the wasteland it is often hard to return to the light. I found my way home but I don�t think it was because of my efforts so much as luck of the draw. I have been lucky in my life. Maybe I am hesitant to press my luck.

Baby steps, I guess, is the way to go. I quit smoking by not smoking one moment at a time. I stopped drinking by not drinking one moment at a time. I beat back my debt one dollar at a time and I must learn to open up by telling my feelings when I experience them even f I fear they are not appropriate. Right or wrong I experience them and they color my perspective and my actions and knowledge of them can help my loved ones understand me.

My Darling sees the storyteller in my convoluted explanations and forgives me (most of the time). Maybe he can do the same with the rest of the story. *Nod to Paul Harvey*.

Yes, baby steps. Maybe Baby Boy and I will learn to walk together. First, however, we must learn to crawl.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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