Let�s see, since last I posted my folks have visited, we celebrated our 1st wedding anniversary and my work schedule has changed from nights to half and half (days and nights). Warm weather as allowed me to venture outside and begin the task of cleaning up a years worth of neglect in the many gardens scattered around the property. I also indulged in sunshine absorption to the extent, I am told, that I showed physical signs of exposure (I was asked if I had gone �tanning�). God, how I have missed the sun.

Generally my mood is a little better but I am still feeling the effects of my darlings black mood which is associated with a grueling work schedule that requires that he work five ten hour days and every other weekend. The reality of twelve long days in a row can not be described suitably. He is exhausted most of the time and while I try and provide loving support I often feel as though I am missing the mark. He has been working on the average 55 hours a week and yesterday his boss requested that he up that to more than 60. That�s a full time job plus a part-time job. He already has no time with us and now she wants him to be away even more. Baby Boy is in his first year and this is a really exciting time but my Darling misses so much. I know work is important but in the age of downsizing and saving money by reducing workforce the expectations of the worker has gotten out of hand. I always laugh when I hear folks from other countries commenting on the laziness of the American worker. Every year the workload increases and the meager raises lead to you working harder for less year after year. My current employment is also affected because working longer hours mean people don�t eat out and low wages mean when they do they don�t tip well. It�s a vicious cycle with no end in sight.

Still I have the sun to look forward to as well as my Baby Boy. He still eschews crawling for a combination of rolling and army crawling (on his belly) but he often rocks on his hands and knees scooting backwards randomly with no obvious intent to do so. Soon enough I suppose he will be off and running. He is also teething, the real runny nose coughing, chewing on everything kind of teething. No signs of a pearly white yet but like the crawling it�s just around the corner.

I�m still a little torn about the leaving him at my SIL while I go off to work. I want more time with my Darling even though his mood sometimes strains the time but I hate the idea of someone else raising my son. Of course that is melodramatic since he spends only 4 or 5 hours a day (sometimes even less) there three days a week. (Not exactly giving over the child rearing that some women are forced into.) I am bothered, however, by the constant baby talk she feels is appropriate despite my request that she refrain from using nicknames like Baba for bottle and nap-naps for nap time. The hair stands up on my neck when I hear �Does oo wike the wittle kitty?�, �Is you done wit da baba?� or some other baby talk sentence which, if the short time I spend with her is any indication, she indulges in almost constantly. I just tell myself that it is only 15 hours a week half of which he is asleep. The upside of family watching him is that it is cheap; the downside is that you can not make demands without causing problems. At a real daycare I could insist and threaten to withdraw my son if my wishes are not respected but in this case I can do nothing but hope that the time I spend speaking to him has more of an effect on his speech education than hers.

I know that the time I gain with my Darling is invaluable and outweighs any consequences of daycare. One of the most valuable gifts you can give to your child is the example of a healthy loving relationship. Children learn about love for the opposite sex from their parents and it is important that you work on that side of your life even as you pay attention to the child. I don�t believe the child always comes first. That attitude has lead to a self involved generation that believe that their wants and needs take precedent over everything else and rely on their parents to continue to do for them well past the time when they should have responsibility for themselves. I wish to raise a child that understands that I love him but that he is not the center of the world. That way he will not be disappointed as an adult when he discovers that everyone has their own problems and will not always pay 100% attention to what he thinks he needs.

My fear however is (and may always be, I don�t know) that my Darling will grow to dislike me as he spends more time with me in part because I swear I become an idiot in his company. I am a good waitress, not great but good. I think I have done well in all the jobs I have held over the years. Not super employee but certainly above average. Somehow, though, when I come home I seem to lose all semblances of sense and intelligence and become consumed with thoughts of what is the right thing to do. Maybe because the rest of the world isn�t important to me and this man is everything to me I find myself immobilized with fear each time I attempt to do anything. Don�t get me wrong, it�s not that he is in any way abusive, but I just keep flubbing around the house repeating mistakes in a way that I just don�t do in the workplace. Honestly, if you went by my home life you would think I was the worst dumb blonde. Part of it is the disease, I am easily distracted. I do get distracted at work but I talk to myself there so that I can keep things straight and cover all the bases. It�s fast paced as well which is an environment I excel in too. This is probably why I flutter around the house so much (much to the chagrin of my Darling who would prefer that I simply sit down and relax with him). I can�t seem to sit still even to do things I like to do. The reason I don�t post often is because I can�t seem to force myself to sit down and write. There is always something else for me to do, some other task that seems more important than typing away in a diary that receives little attention. It�s not a popular blog that people are eager to read or even a diary with a cult following. It�s just my thoughts recorded for myself and a couple of friends who are curious about the goings on in my world as I am about the goings on in theirs. I feel indulgent just sitting here tapping away. So much so that I only manage to write early in the morning, before the sun (or son) is up. My Darling wishes I would take more time to do things I like, he wants me to be happy. I wish he would do the same but he has no time. Maybe I feel a little guilty enjoying things while he slaves away (60 hours for Gods sake, its ridiculous).

Soon enough the subtle noises from Baby Boys room will graduate to him talking to himself indicating he is ready to get up and my day will start in earnest. My Darling has been at work now for more than three hours and still has 7 hours to go. It�s just not fair. I miss him and I know he misses us. Summer will be no fun at all if he must spend it at all at work and driving to and from. With the 45 min commute and his 15 minute cushion he is actually gone more than twelve hours a day. He manages on 5 hours sleep to maximize �our� time but I�m not sure if more sleep might mean better �our� time. I would rather have two happy �I love to be with you� hours with him than four grumpy �I�m tired and need to sleep� hours.

As usual I gnaw and chew at a problem with no answers in sight. I don�t know what to do and quite frankly I�m not sure if there is anything to be done. All I can do is make sure he knows how much I love him and be patient with him when he is out of sorts. The calmer I am the more likely I will be able to be less of a blithering idiot around him.

Breathe in; breathe out�.still my old stand by.

Oh well, 8 o�clock�time to go to work.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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