I�m supposed to share my feelings. He wants to know me better, says I�m still hiding and he doesn�t know where I am coming from all the time. I feel�I feel�foolish. My emotions don�t make sense however do I explain them? Four years we have been together and I still can�t seem to open up completely. We have a son together and we are contemplating another addition and I still can�t trust enough to open up the small space in me, under lock and key for so long I�m not sure anyone knows me, even me.

I went looking for a drawing I did long ago and discovered that it and many others are gone. I�m not sure where they went. I don�t know if they were damaged in the flood or if I just threw them away as I did many art pieces that originated from the darkest hours. He is disappointed that he can�t see that time, that part of me. He wants to read stuff. He asked to see the video of a play I did a lifetime ago. He is searching for me. Maybe if he finds me he can explain to me who I am because I am at a loss. The pieces don�t fit. The lines of the puzzle stand out and the picture is a crazy quilt that makes no sense.

I am who I am because of all that I have experienced but I am also who I am because of the things I have not known but only imagined. I am all the people I have dreamed. I am everyone whose lives have reached out to me from TV and movie, from books I have read. I am books about history, science and all sorts of other topics I don�t read anymore. I am so many things I don�t do anymore.

I don�t sing, draw or paint anymore. I never study. I never run, play pool or do Karate. Everything that was good left me when the medication came. I feel as though I traded all of it for emotional stability. But I�m not really stable, just not as unstable as before.

He wants me to draw again, to do the things that once made me smile but they are activities tied to so much pain. What if I need the pain to create? What if in creating I find the pain again? I want to draw with joy, not in agony.

Now I need to tell him. Why is it so much easier to write this than to say it out loud?

You know, I can share so much here but I even hide from you.

Why?

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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