Sometimes the wonder of the internet is not a good thing. OK maybe most times, depending on what you are looking for. I searched a couple of symptoms I have been having and the results are all serious. There is no simple �could be� returned in my search. I�m scared. I know it is foolish to go there without any real investigation by professionals but it�s impossible to get the search results out of my head. Note to self: never play doctor on the internet.

All I can think of is the possibility that I could have all my life here snatched away. I can�t even hang onto a belief that if I �left� before my Baby Boy could even remember me that I could watch over him. I would just be gone before I even got a chance to know the boy or man that he will be. I wish I could rail about how life isn�t fair but that would be childish, of course it isn�t fair, better people than I die all the time, ripped from the arms of loving family. Mothers lose children, children lose parents, and lovers are left alone to face the harsh world. After all the years I spent wanting out, now that I have begun to live I could lose it all.

I know I�m a little dramatic at the moment and it could be nothing but I�m scared none the less. I have resisted going to the doctor for the last couple of months writing things off as lingering postpartum symptoms but I can�t take the chance that it is something else. Let�s just hope if it is something else I haven�t waited too long. I�m not ready for this. I�m afraid to share my fears with My Darling because I don�t want to scare him as well. I know he loves me so much and I can�t imagine how scary it must be to contemplate raising a child alone, without his Mama.

A week or two from now I�ll be all apologetic and feel really silly for this post but at the moment this is how I feel and that�s why I keep this thing. It�s a place that I can voice my silliness.

Today I go to the doctors and most likely she will not have answers for me but instead will schedule tests. I wanted to be working on building my family right now and instead I am trying not to lose what I have. I�m so very tempted to erase this and hide from you all as well but I can�t do this alone. I need a friend right now; unfortunately they are all far away so I turn to my virtual family for support. Thank you for being there for me.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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