I have a box of stuff from before. Before I dropped everything and went traveling. Paperwork from the time when I kept every little shred of receipt and every pay stub I received since I graduated from college. It is a box filled also with bits and pieces in the form of random pictures deemed unfit for carrying forward. I have a pile of 8x10 glossies from the time I pursued the entertainment industry. My Darling saw it as did my BIL who asked �who is that?� My Darling informed him that it was me and the two of them marveled at how young I was (I was 21). Slowly but surely we are using the old bills and bank statements as fire starter since there are so many pieces it is likely I would burn out the shredder getting rid of them that way. The other day I was burning some of the papers when My Darling inquired, a bit concerned, if I had burned the picture (You didn�t burn your picture, did you?) I told him no and plan to put the picture in with the �safe� pictures I have saved from the past. I will burn the �unsafe� pictures in the next fire. I found an envelope containing pictures from the time when I indulged, heavily. My ex was a bit perverse and fond of taking pictures of me while I was ripped and eventually when I was passed out. Thank goodness there was little digital medium then and I paid to have the pics developed. I was able to destroy any really embarrassing pictures (and hope the boys at the picture hut didn�t make copies, not that there were any nudes mind you but some were a bit racey). I suspect had he the opportunity he would have been one of those guys posting pictures on the internet. Remember, never do anything you wouldn�t want posted on utube (misspelled on purpose) since you never know who is recording now a days with video capabilities on most phones.

Of course you may be wondering where this is all going. I guess until the last of this stuff is burned (or maybe forever) I will be thrown back again and again into my past to �enjoy� the embarrassment over the choices I made. I take full responsibility for my actions but I�m not sure what if any of my past I should share with my future. I know that my current wisdom was born of a hard road that I do not wish upon anyone, let alone on my Baby Boy. I want to educate him on the hidden dangers in this world without losing his respect. I am not the person that made those poor decisions anymore. Every day I try and make the right choices despite the difficulties that ensue. I don�t take the easy road or hide out from the world. I face things head on and that is what I wish to pass on, not the fragile creature that ran away from everything for so many years.

It all sounds so romantic when I tell the story to new friends. I traveled the country working from town to town, meeting all sorts of wonderful folk, many of whom I still keep in touch with. They knew me then and some wonder at the person I have become. Some miss the �fun� that we once had. So much of it was fun but it was based on a false sense of, what, reality? I don�t know how to explain why the terrific times I remember were so wrong. They weren�t really wrong so much as they weren�t real. Sitting around a campfire drinking and singing until the wee hours, leaning against a pool table to steady myself as I made an amazing pool shot that won not only the game but yet another round of shots as the crowd marveled at how I could simultaneously be falling down drunk and ridiculously accurate at pool, running down a beach in a bikini in October, splashing in the ocean long after the hardiest of vacationer had headed home sipping hooch from a fast food cup. Fun, crazy fun, insanity in motion. There was no one to rescue me from my self inflicted crazy, to the best of my knowledge no one even tried. I was already pulling myself up when I met My Darling although his steadfast love was a calming port in my dwindling storm.

How do I balance the good times against the reality? How can I weigh the value of the many seemingly good people who witnessed the self destruction and cared for me anyway? How do I know the secret demons that used my insanity for their own gain? My ex is a no-brainer of course but what about the others, how do I a separate the wheat from the chaff? Some must stay in my past no matter how curious I am about their current status. I know I need to let go but must I hide as well? Must I lie to the people I love most to protect them from the me who was?

I am who I am and my wisdom is born of much pain and poor choices, can I ever leave that behind no matter how much I wish?

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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