I woke last night in the middle of the night from dreams of the past. My mind continued to retrieve snippets of my past for my perusal. There didn�t seem to be a rhyme or reason to the moments submitted for review other than they were long past versus the more recent past.

I shared an apartment with a friend after I graduated from college. She was a childhood friend with her own problems while I still ranged from manic to depressed; un-medicated by professional or by my own devices. I developed a crush on a man I was performing with in a play for the local community theatre. He was interested and eventually I brought him home for an evening of conversation and some cuddling (I was naive at best). He became quite amorous and pushed to have sex when things got started I changed my mind and he didn�t listen to me. This is rape, date rape actually. I�m certain he thought that he was justified, after all what had I invited him over for? It�s not right to get a guy all excited and then say no. I was so embarrassed that the next day at the show I behaved the girlfriend snuggling and kissing all the while wishing none of it had happened. I am angry that I didn�t stand up for myself, at the very least giving him the immediate boot for not respecting me.

I thought about my other friend with whom I shared an apartment for a brief time after my first friend finally dived off the deep end. She will be celebrating 20 years with her husband (if they are still married). I was her maid of honor. I have not spoken to her since before I began my trek across the country with my ex-husband. A letter or two were exchanged but we never re-established any form of friendship after she broke off ties when I went off the deep end. Funny, we traveled the dangerous road together for a while and she was by no means on the road to recovery when we parted but for some reason our past was not strong enough to move into the future together. I recently sent her a package containing bits of poetry and writing of hers that I had carted around the country and read from time to time to remind me of better times. It�s not that it was all that better but I had a sense of some connection then, real or not, and that feeling left me for the many years with my ex. It wasn�t his fault, I would have felt detached regardless, in fact it was the detachment that allowed me to grasp onto him in the first place. I would have dismissed him as I dismissed similar men before and since but for the feeling of being awash in emotional turmoil.

I remembered a walk along the beach in Virginia. It was fall and only the hardiest of northerners were out and no one ventured into the surf save me. I have pictures of the day and me shivering in the surf as a huge wave sneaks up and washes over me. My ex never warned me of the upcoming wave but photographed the event for future enjoyment. The water was cold but I was protected by my alcoholic wet suit. As was our habit, we had filled our fast food drink cups with alcohol and spent the afternoon quite ripped. I laughed and felt alive. It took the bitter cold waters of the ocean to touch me enough to break through the shell I had developed.

I was drawn back again to a time before I had stumbled across my ex and decided to combine our damaged experiences; a time between my lost friendship and dysfunctional marriage when I shuffled along alone. I started running in an effort to lose weight and found myself obsessed with the act of running. When I was running I got lost in nothing more than moving my feet forward. The physical pain washed away the emotional agony and I was free, for a time, from the chains that threatened to drown me completely. I would run every day for hours. I stopped eating and reveled in the amazing body that creeped out from under the layers of fat that had hidden it for so long. I felt good, but still I consoled myself each night with a half a bottle of 100 proof soco. I would wake on the floor bright and early within reach of the vhs and ready to crunch my abs and start the day with that pain that felt so good. I never reached my weight goal, stopped by malnutrition and such a low body fat that I stopped menstruating for a year. By the time I met my ex I was on my way back to a more normal body (still better than I had known before my running or since I stopped running). I traded running for partying and the rest is pretty predictable.

No connection between the threads, random thoughts arresting my sleep and frustrating my efforts to return to slumber. I snuggle up to My Darling hoping to siphon some peace along with the warmth he provides me. After a while, and so many random thoughts I couldn�t remember come morning, I drift off again. I wake briefly to kiss my Darling goodbye and tell him I love him and finally greet the day when Baby Boy declares his hunger with grunts and soft cries from the next room. My world is now forever changed; my emotions reigned in by a little blue pill with only gray memories to remind me that it wasn�t always this easy. The difficulties that face me now are normal and the person who copes with them does so without the burden of feelings out of control.

Why last night? Who knows?

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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