What to say. So much to tell and yet I�m at a loss for the thread of the stories, I�ve lost the thread of my life for the moment. When I hold my darling Baby Boy my world makes sense. He is the thread I should never lose but it is the fear of that loss that paralyzes me sometimes. When he is not with me, visions of him gone forever make me ill. With happiness come fear of it�s opposite. Why can I never enjoy the good that comes to me? Why must I be tortured always with fear? I want to share with you all the nice things that have happened to me the past couple of weeks but instead I am obsessed with the fear that has left me breathless more than once over those weeks. I remember one of the folks from a support website losing her young son, suffocated by a plastic grocery bag. Not only did she lose her baby but because of her illness they accused her of harming him. Imagine dealing with that loss all the while having to defend yourself. I run around my house looking for anything that might harm him. Then again over protecting him doesn�t help him to survive in this world, what a tightrope you must balance upon when raising a child. Worse, you will not know the outcome until it is too late. So many good people have done the best they could only to end up disappointed and accepting blame for a life gone so very wrong. You can lose a child so many ways, not just to death.

Perhaps watching my parents celebrating their 50th has made me more aware of the reality of life. It is a breath. One moment you are starting down a road and the next you are looking back and your life is condensed into a slide show, snapshots of a life almost over. Loss, everything is wrapped around loss. I am losing my parents. It is so very hard to be with them in their cluttered, filthy home and yet I don�t want to miss what time is left. I want them to have time with their grandson and I want him to know them. I didn�t meet my maternal grandfather; he died before I was born. I�m told I didn�t miss much, he was a drunk, but who knows, he might have loved me. I remember my paternal grandfather but I lost him when I was 11. Baby Boy may never remember his grandparents, what a shame; they do love him so much.

I want a job, one I can feel proud of. I�m a decent waitress but not great and I can�t make enough money to support myself let alone contribute to the family bills. I am placing way too much pressure on My Darling. I worry when I think of all the bills he is shouldering. As I watch my bank account dwindle I become more and more frustrated with the diminishing return from the restaurant. I was actually brought to tears the other night by a table of four which were so disappointed in my service they left me a dollar tip. I misunderstood one of the orders since folks substitute sides all the time and it sounded as though she was doing that when as it turned out she wanted to add a side. I corrected it immediately. Somehow this mistake was so heinous to them they felt comfortable leaving practically nothing. I work my butt off and little people feel as though they have this privilege to reduce my wages for any tiny mistake I make. No other job is more susceptible to a bad night. Pay in most positions isn�t dependent on daily performance but overall performance. I keep working harder and harder and gaining less and less. I LOVE that I can be home with Baby Boy all day but I sacrifice my financial security. I still wish I could find a job that would allow me to work out of the house; something on the computer maybe. My realtor suggested I could be a virtual assistant but I wouldn�t know where to start. Every day I struggle with what to do. I feel as though I am wasting time and yet I wouldn�t want to trade the time I have with Baby Boy. I would rather do with out than lose the time I have with him.

There I go again. You see my dilemma? I�m torn in so many directions I can�t see straight. I want to be where I am today but I wish it could be a little different. I shouldn�t complain, things aren�t all that bad in fact I feel a little guilty about being upset at all. Right here and now life is good, it is, I want to let go of my fear and enjoy it. How do you do that? How do you let go of all the fear and worry about what could happen? Life is so precarious, moment to moment is all that there is.

It�s time to wake my Baby Boy and feed him. I will get lost in those eyes looking up at me and for that time it will all go away, the fear, the frustration, everything that torments me. Love can make it all go away.

I love the little Darling with all my heart, just look at him, how could you not?

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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