Sleeping Baby, sleeping Darling, everyone is sleeping except me. I hate working nights because you are always waiting to go to work. Far better to rise and be off to the salt mines then to linger around all day knowing you must toddle off late in the day. I can�t nap, never could, even when I was really pregnant. No, the only time I am able to fall asleep during the day is when I am sick and the current (digestive) ailment isn�t conducive to sleep.

Christmas was nice, quiet and nice. I got some nice presents including a locket with Baby Boys picture in it and �Mom� on the front. I am a Mom, which is still amazing to me. My SIL always knew she would be a Mom and intends on having as many as her husband will allow (can support). I, on the other hand, as well you know, didn�t think about the prospect until recently and I�m not certain of future additions. It�s not impossible but getting more unlikely by the minute.

The house can be really quiet sometimes. When Baby is sleeping and Darling is at working or napping (like now) the silence can be deafening. It�s not like I don�t like quiet, I do, but I�m not sure what to do with myself.

I have been distracted of late. I can�t seem to organize my thoughts most of the time and I feel as though I don�t make good use of my time. Work isn�t bad but home time is disjointed. Baby Boy doesn�t suffer for my attention anymore but the home settling has ground to a standstill. I just can�t seem to muster up the energy to do more than the day to day chores like dishes and laundry. I tidy the kitchen and bathroom and from time to time vacuum but not much else gets done around here. My Darling grumbles a little but doesn�t feel confident enough to speak outright about my lack of ability to carry the load of the household. Despite his workload he feels bad that he doesn�t contribute more time himself to the remaining tasks.

I was chatting with one of the youngsters at work about a former co-worker and he volunteered that she was an alcoholic and that they attend meetings together. I reminded him about the anonymity function of the club without going into details or admitting to any association of my own but I feel vindicated in my reluctance to attend any local meetings. Besides the fact that I�m not comfortable around a lot of long term attendees, I don�t trust the anonymity will be maintained and here I am not reformed, I never was and that I like. Recently My Darling wondered if I would be tempted by all the alcohol he maintains in the house, wondered as well if he should put it under lock and key. I reminded him that as a grown woman of age I could, if I so desired, obtain as much as I would like at any time and need not tap into his supply. January 11 will be four years since I had any alcohol. I don�t crave nor do I think fondly of drinking. It was and always will be a means to an end, an end that I no longer seek.

The holidays bring mixed emotions though. I fear the holiday emotional break down (mine or someone else�s) and I am loath to continue the �tradition� I grew up with. I want Baby Boy to have better than I (don�t we all want better for our kids?). I could care less about material goods I want a better emotional life for him.

I�m a bit disjointed right now you will forgive I hope.

I have to get on to work now.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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