He�s sleeping, the little darling. With his back to me and his oddly shaped head that I hope will normalize but I will love regardless he lies in peaceful slumber. He is obsessed with rolling over. It consumes him. As my Darling kissed me goodbye this morning on his way to work he also whispered, �he�s awake and he�s trying to roll over�. Up I get and after singing him the rest of the way awake (it�s a silly song but it�s just what a baby loves, consistant), changing his diaper I set him down on the floor rather than the bed (can�t fall off the floor now can he?) in deference to his new found skill. A pot of coffee brewing (one stolen cup) and fresh bottle and I am back to feed him only to find him grunting towards the side. I scoop him up, he will eat breakfast before returning to his favorite new activity (tears be damned he will do it anyway) if Mommy has a say, and for now I do. After he drains the bottle I return him to the ground where he ignores the toys that so enthralled him only days ago dangling above him and returns to the labor of rolling over onto his Tummy. He grunts and struggles, cries out and struggles some more finally quieting on his side fast asleep, laying there, peaceful, resting up for the next big try. Mommy will suffer the attempt, over and over as he masters this first in a long line of skills that he must learn to successfully maneuver this world. Mommy will vacillate between a desire to protect him and an over flowing pride at his tenaciousness. Makes you appreciate your parents all the more (I should call my Mother).

Speaking of the parents, I have completed the Anniversary invitations for the 50th anniversary party. I still don�t know how I will pay for it but something will turn up or I will just make payments until it is paid for (just like everything else.) I am please with the invites, they are simple but pretty. I made a few changes before posting to protect the innocent.

They look so young. My brother was born 9 months and four days from the date of this picture. He was a honeymoon baby, which is funny considering how long it took my Darling and me to get pregnant. We commented at the time we were trying that if we were teenagers we would be pregnant already.

Baby Boy just woke up for two minutes worth of crying and then drifted off again. Torture I tell you, torture.

We are so full of promise when we begin this ride and I sit here almost halfway (I hope) and ponder what the future holds. There was a time when I was simply waiting to die. It seems almost odd to say now. I saw no value in the life I had and realistically there was no value in that life. I can�t say I was lost but I could not function, I was broken. It�s difficult for those on the outside of a broken life to understand. They see so clearly the lack in your life. They understand where you have gone wrong and yet even when you see the right path you know for sure that you can not walk it. You aren�t built for the task. You lack the determination that even my Baby Boy exhibits trying over and over to roll onto his tiny tummy. It is all too hard, too much for you to master and so instead you wallow in your weakness and know in your heart you aren�t good enough to have what the rest of the world takes for granted. You get lost in the drink or drug so you can forget how you failed. You can forget about the disappointment that colors your relationship with everyone you have loved or loves you and you cling to whomever forgives you all your lacking and seems to love you despite your obviously unlovability (not a word I know, but it means what I want it to). I knew it was wrong but I knew also that it was all I deserved. My only saving grace is that I never brought another life into that world. I never thought I would ever be good enough to be a Mommy (sometimes I still wonder if I can do it) and so I was careful not to bring a little one into my f**ked up life. Only now that I am mostly unf**kered dare I allow my Baby Boy into my world, this world.

My heart aches with the mere thought of him. I can�t imagine a life without his smile. I still don�t feel worthy of him but at least now I feel as though I can give him a life worth living. I can love him first and I can allow him to love me back.

I don�t believe things happen for a reason, I think they just happen. I don�t believe that anyone can pull themselves up by their bootstraps, some people are just lucky. I don�t believe we are born to anything we choose our own path and sometimes a path is chosen for us but either way we can only hope that maybe, just maybe we will pass along something of the good and as little of the bad that we have known.

See the young couple, facing a life together, striding into the future, this future, raising their grandkids, treasuring their newest little one, unexpected but loved none the less. Fifty years flashed by in the wink of an eye.

Life is too short. I am no longer waiting to die. I have something to live for, a tiny little sleeping baby boy, with his back towards me and his oddly shaped head that I love from the bottom of my soul.

Just the luck of the draw, lucky me, I get a second chance. I wish I had more time left.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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