Life isn�t fair. This is a concept my father instilled in me when I was young. He taught me that to expect fairness or rail against the lack was a waste of time and energy. I believe he was correct. I also believe that one can vent ones feelings about the unfairness and that it is healthy to do so as long as one realizes that this is the nature of things

I returned to work early from my maternity leave because my employer was eager to have me back even if it was part time. They set me up with a home office so I could continue to work full time after I was no longer able to make the commute. I did not take the allowable week before the baby was due because they would have experience a hardship to have me gone. Six weeks was a long time of trying to cover me and they wanted me back ASAP. Those are the facts.

While I was gone a man who has made it his business to try and be rid of me worked long and hard. He had tried to prevent my hiring but the powers that be at the time ignored him. During the tenure of the past management any attempt to discredit me was disregarded as the underhanded attempts that they were.

The winds of change, they are a blowin.

The new administration sees this man as an opportunity to pass off unwanted responsibility and in exchange for his taking over unwanted tasks he has finally gotten his way.

The meeting I had to discuss the parameters of my return long expected and promoted as an arrangement that would include some working from home has turned into an offer of only part time employment in the office. The man has convinced the new manager that his department can cover my position at least part time. They are hiring a new person for his department and with the addition he originally tried to have my position completely eliminated. Without the hard work of my boss I would have been let go at the end of my maternity. Instead I have been offered part time. This would mean I would still have to place Baby Boy in child care which would cost me the same as if I was working full time. It doesn�t matter if you are leaving your child for 10 hours or 6 hours the cost is by day and over four hours is a day. I was going to lose half my pay if I had to return to work full time now it seems I would be working for childcare. I can�t believe the powers that be were unaware of that reality. It is obviously an attempt to get me to quit, which I will more than likely have to do.

What steams me the most is the new manager spent the last two months before my maternity talking about how I wasn�t going to come back. �she doesn�t need a key� (even though I often arrived to work up to an hour early and had to wait in the parking lot to be let in) �she won�t be back after she has the baby, she�ll be a mommy�. He also offered that my husband would be no help as men are not good at that, he, in fact, couldn�t do any of it and his wife was a stay at home mom. He resents the women with children in the office taking time off to take their children to the doctors or attend teacher conferences. Even leaving on time is considered somehow dereliction of duty. The place is not a family friendly employer. Now on the eve of my return he has hit me with this. He didn�t even have the balls to take the meeting as scheduled but instead pawned it off on my boss to break the bad news. I expect she will jump ship as soon as the opportunity avails itself as she grows weary of the workload and unrealistic expectations the new president places on an already efficient, conscientious, and hard working staff. I am not the only target either. There are others who face the firing squad.

The winds of change, they are a blowin.

It is most likely for the best since this employer would not have been happy with the necessary well baby visits required over the first year and frequent illnesses brought on by childcare exposure which, ironically, prevents the baby from attending childcare. This would have been a huge inconvenience to the current management.

Complicating things however, is the fact that our medical is through my employer rather than my husband as it is the better coverage and I am currently pursuing a post partum complication requiring a referral to a neurologist (numbness in my fingers). I must also maintain my medication (my emotional well being is at stake) which is finally covered in full after reaching our deducible and now we will not be able to take advantage of that. We may even have to go back to purchasing out of pocket (to the tune of 165 a month). Not to mention the beefy mortgage payment due on the first of November to be followed by more of the same for the next thirty years or so. I contributed next to nothing to our finances and the huge expenditure to get the house ready to be a home while mon maternity and now I will not be able to make even the childcare payment if I return to work.

Life isn�t fair.

My Darling is supportive assuring me everything will be alright and he will work a lot of overtime and we will be fine. I hate him working all that overtime and was looking forward to the time when he wouldn�t have to work as much. (Of course part of the reason he works so much is they need him to and he has actually been turning down OT in order to get the house ready.) Still I want to make a contribution and hardly think taking care of the house and Baby Boy constitutes an equal contribution when we need money.

I have a fallback. The restaurant has been pushing for me to come back. They have offered to match my Darlings schedule and require only one weekend day (Sunday night) which would allow us to travel home for Thanksgiving as planned although Other holidays would be out if they fell on my normally scheduled workday since holidays are non-switch days so I couldn�t even give the day away. Unfortunately working at the restaurant would place us on opposing shifts, My Darling working Days and I on nights. Baby Boy would benefit from no daycare as his sister would watch him until my Darling got out of work (a mere hour or so). But our relationship would suffer the loss of contact other than days off. We lived for a year in CA with this arrangement and do not wish to return to it. It may be our only option though. I might take the part time at my current until something better comes along but I would be unhappy and we would be losing money. Maybe I could go back to a grocery store; I did well in FL working at a grocery store and could probably still tap my references there.

Mostly I am unhappy because this is supposed to be a happy time. New baby, new house, my life finally finding a sturdy road beneath my feet, no more shifting sand that has plagued me for so long. I thought that making the huge changes in my life would grant me some peace.

There it is, that expectation that life might be fair. I am no more deserving of fairness than any other soul whose is right now facing hardship and life changing events (Sandy dear friend I wish you well in your new life).

Now I must focus on what is good in my life, things I am grateful for (nod Anna),

1. My Baby Boy currently snuggled in my arms with a full belly, content to be close to Mommy.

2. My Darling husband who offered to take as many jobs as necessary to take care of us.

3. A new home with a huge yard and a real vegetable garden complete with mature asparagus.

4. My parents still alive to love my Baby Boy and enjoy being real grandparents instead of parents a second time around.

5. My baby grand piano to be returned to me after ten years.

I will find another job and move on. Life isn�t fair. I can only deal with it and make sure my Baby Boy learns that lesson before he enters this cruel adult world. My first and foremost job is to prepare him for life. Nothing is more important to me than that and the most important lesson to be learned is life isn�t fair, get used to it.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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