Friendship is such a purplexing beast to me. I do not understand why some people fall into friendship with a person and others not. I know how I choose a friend but I am amazed to be chosen sometimes. It's not that I'm not a good friend but in some instances I know I am not as good a friend as I could be and I wonder if my friend feels slighted by my lack of devotion to them.

I held such deep emotions for certain people in my life and the loss of their association was truly devistating. My ex, of course, even though my emotions were mixed at the time and more rational now that I have real perspective, was one and my high school friend turned post college room mate seemed the kind of friend destined to be life long. The death of that friendship was intense enough (at least for me) to require a stone marking it's place in my life. I miss her friendship more than anything else in my life yet I don't want to contact her. I am afraid maybe? I gave so much of myself (time, energy, money on occasion) and felt betrayed when I asked for help and was left alone.

Of course at the time I was nothing more than a lousy drunk looking for a ride home in the middle of the night, anyone might have ignored the call. But I didn't ignore her call at 2am the night we tracked down her fiance and found him cheating on her. I drove all over the city and finally home again and held her when she sobbed for the loss.

I dig down and try to see if I am angry, or bitter, maybe I'm scared of seeing myself then, or now reflected in her eyes. I don't know if I don't want to be that close to someone or if I just know that time moves us away from those places and emotions and there is no return.

One minute I think I have moved on and the next I don't know. It would be nice to tell her I'm OK. I made it to the otherside, just in case she was wondering, but it's like I'm afraid to touch, afriad that what I was lies ready to suck me back in, lies waiting for me to reach back into the past only to steal away my future. It sounds so silly and yet it stays my hand each time I think to send off a note or card, just to say hello, just to know you are OK, I'm OK and it's OK for us to let go.

Here I am on the brink again. How often I have found myself preparing to leap these past few years and always the same people and memories cross my mind before I step off into the great unknown. Still I don't have the answers.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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