I have a new gadget on my home page, it is counting down the days until my due date (Although one should note that less than 10% of babies are born on their due date). The baby pool has been instituted at my work with folks betting on birthday and weight. There are many more signs that they days between this life and my brave new world are waning. My fears ebb and flow daily. Sometimes I feel confident that I will have a beautiful, normal baby boy and other times I am certain he will be deformed and diminished capacity and I will have condemned us to a lifetime of struggle with medical difficulties and mental health issues. There is the third option; I will have what appears to be a normal, healthy baby boy only to have him develop mental health issues later in life. Even as I contemplated the idea of having a baby I kept coming back to the thought that I could be passing along the same gene that was passed to me, delivering the same pain I made my way through. Of course the advantage I have as a parent is that I have, in fact, been there done that and thus recognize the signs and symptoms as well as being well educated on the treatments. My child would not need to know the depth of the pit before getting help.

I am dreading the fight that will ensue when the grandparents on both sides find out that there will be no baptism and in fact no religious education of any kind. While we will not be able to (nor would I want to) forgo big religious holidays like Christmas and Easter even though I don�t believe the underlying myths associated with the days they are so strongly integrated into the fabric of the culture I think it�s cruel not to participate. I have continued to celebrate the holidays in a way that I enjoy (the giving and receiving of gifts) even though there is no religious reason for me to do so. I am quite certain my family and in-laws will do their best to instill a religious belief in my child despite my personal beliefs.

In addition, I find myself ensconced in the middle of a fairly bigoted part of the country and so I must also work hard to ensure my child doesn�t absorb the bigoted mindset. I have been accused of being a bigot and it infuriates me because I have never thought of anyone as being second class because of skin color, sex, sexual orientation, or the lot. I do not care for the underlying philosophy of certain cultures and I do, at times, condemn those cultures for the way they limit the opportunities for their members but still I blame the culture not a genetic second class status.

There is so much to come. I know I am thinking ahead too much. I realize that this tiny little baby will be content if I simply feed him, change him and provide comfort. He will snuggle close and sleep in innocence for the first year or so. I know that the battles that will rage between My Darling�s and my Family and us will not touch his soft little form. They will love him regardless, as will we. As always I need to cross the bridges as they present themselves and not borrow trouble. There may be no battle at all, instead there may simply be acceptance that each must raise his own as he see�s fit and one must respect that.

It�s Friday and I have 4 more hours here at work before I will be set free for my weekend relaxation. Until then I must find some little tasks to do to keep me busy. Why do the slow days always come when you are eager to leave?
I hope everyone has a Lovely weekend.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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