Could have been the rain, or maybe the fatigue, could be that I�m just tired of being pregnant (nine months is a long time), who knows. All I know is I am sad and distracted and when I needed My Darling to be supportive he was instead frustrated with my distraction, which made me even more sad and distracted. A bad weekend. Today I woke up with a headache and although a little acetaminophen took care of it I am still tired and sad. It is not abnormal to feel �bored with the whole pregnancy thing� as one of the websites I visited this morning put it but I wonder if I am experiencing more than just a little boredom.

We are still waiting to hear about our bid. Even though we are prepared to wait beyond the deadline (as we did for the first house) there is still that feeling of holding ones breath (speaking of breath, I find myself out of breath quite a bit now a days. It has to do with the rather large parasite currently taking up much of the room beneath my diaphragm and limiting the depth of breaths I can take). The house situation doesn�t help my overall emotional state. Its times like this that I wish I could pull the covers up over my head and hide for a day or two (at least until I am more presentable to the world.)

I�m so torn about how much I should reasonably expect from my spouse. After all he is entitled to his own poor moods based on the current situation but then again I want him to be there for me more than he has been the past couple of weeks. Of course in his defense he has been condemned to the nightshift and our paths have only limitedly crossed. Somehow it seems as though when we finally get time together we use it to be cranky with each other. I�m as guilty as he in focusing on the negatives rather than the positives when we are lucky enough to be together. But I want him to be better than he is at ignoring my crap and loving me anyway, especially now when I feel so vulnerable. I don�t even feel as though I could defend myself if I had to let alone function at the type of jobs I am used to. I�m barely able to keep my eyes open in the afternoons to manage my desk job, however could I manage a physical job like field service or wait staff?

I think the main problem is the inactivity. I read about friends hiking, biking and such and I can�t work up enough energy to grocery shop (it would be better if My Darling and my shopping style were more compatible, I despise shopping with him, he is a list guy and although I take a list I like to browse as well. I try and pick a couple of different meats for meals and he can never decide what he wants so I make suggestions and he stands mute. I can�t say he is worse than me but he is less tolerant of me than I am of him.

See how I keep coming back to my relationship? It�s not that I am questioning my decision to reproduce with this man but I do think the whole thing is getting to us both. He doesn�t understand why this is so very hard (and strange since some symptoms like the stupid thing, just don�t make any sense) and I don�t deal well with the sense of helplessness that this condition brings both physically, mentally and emotionally, and I still have three more months to go.

I need movement, activity, exercise, in my life and in my home. I need to move into a new home (I am frustrated about living with boxes all over the place and no access to my stuff.) I need to get the baby�s room ready. I need to be doing something, anything.

*sigh*

I need a nap.

Is it naptime yet?

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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