Fear is not a constant companion anymore. I walk for days without his frigid presence at my back. I�m not sure to whom I owe this freedom but I�m thrilled to know this sense of calm that has fallen now that I know for sure that we are looking elsewhere to live and until then will have a roof over head (thank goodness we didn�t go with the put stuff in storage and move into motel option, I�d be insane by now).

I�m not even afraid of baby complications at the moment (I know it�s possible but I�m not living in fear over it).

My mind still runs away with me, the same as it always has, but lately it runs creative. I have thoughts of bringing the outside into the Nursery. With a combination of paint, an actual tree branch (cleaned and painted as well) and paper leaves I could create a lovely tree for the baby to lie beneath. I know I will need to make sure it is well out of reach and will not drop pieces of anything into the crib but wouldn�t that be nice to wake up to? I could even put a bird in a nest up there.

Hmmmm�.might be too involved. Maybe just stick with the tire marks on the wall.

We have a crib. It was given to us by a co-worker of My Darlings. It�s nice enough but the mattress had to go. We had planned on purchasing a new mattress regardless of the condition but this one couldn�t even stay in the house temporarily. The stench of cigarette smoke was so bad I made my Darling cart it out to the trash as soon as I got home. Can you imagine the poor child growing up in that smoke filled environment? You can see the smoke stains on the bottom of the mattress, blech! I still can�t believe I smelled like that. Ugg.

I need to find a dressing table and a basinet. We have decided to have the baby in our room initially and then move him to his own room after he has started sleeping through the night. I know, I might change my mind if he is fussy or colicky, but for now that is the plan. That means we need a basinet. I�m currently combing the want ads to see if I can find something second hand. We will buy car seat and stroller new and probably high chair as well but it seems a waste to buy a brand new basinet for only one child who will use it for a couple of weeks tops.

Oh, funny story, My Darlings mother started talking about our next child. I�m not sure she grasps the reality of my situation. I�m already on borrowed time here. No more babies for me. People forget how old I am all the time. It�s not abnormal to think of your 29 year old son having several children but his 43 year old wife just isn�t going to be able to do it. Darlings OK with one which is good.

I�m so very jealous of Brian right now. New bike and new challenges (Go Brian, Go!!) while I look forward to a long summer of swollen ankles still I like my payoff better than his (you�re gonna get big thighs and bottom, Ha!). Never mind me Brian, I am so very happy you decided to purchase a new bike. Take care of you and damn the consequences (easy enough for me to say right?).

Tonight we will look at a trio of new houses. I like all three well enough on paper, now we shall see how they �feel� inside. If we like anything on sight we have been promised the fast track to home ownership by our lender (we are, after all, pre-approved so there should be minimal to be done to get us in). I�ll let you in on the results tomorrow (or later on tonight if I get excited by any of them.)

Wish me luck!

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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