Panic is a natural reaction to being out of control. In life we plan and make lists and organize our lives in order to stave off the panic. We pretend that we are in control of our lives and it is a delusion that serves the purpose of allowing us to relax enough to get through the days. Enter a situation completely beyond our attempts or desire to control. For added amusement make it ethereal in nature being real yet unreal and now imagine you must wait to share how you are feeling until some arbitrary time period allows you to say something.

Can you feel the panic building?

There is no going back and although you are happy that emotion is tempered by a rising terror that you have somehow crossed over into a nightmare landscape where everything you do may have some ill effect that will remain hidden until some later date when suddenly and horribly you will find that all the things you did, (or didn�t do) have lead to disaster.

My chest hurts.

What I am feeling is normal I am sure but I am not normal which means I have the ability to expand normal into a beast that can drag me down faster than you can say Rumplestilskin. And the waiting, the not telling, is killing me.

Honestly, I have told a few folks what�s going on in my life so I am not really �not telling� to the extent that I could be not telling. Still my day to day existence stands in stark relief to my new reality.

It doesn�t help that this part of the world is hunkered down for the winter, snuggled into their homes or bundled up under layers to venture out into the bright winter sunlight that belies the bitter cold. This contributes to the feeling of isolation.

Of course I am not alone now. (Not that you can notice mind you, but there�s that altered reality again.)

Last night, as I have most nights for the past few weeks, I trundled off to bed before ten o�clock. If I continue with this pattern I will sleep away the remainder of the winter like a hibernating bear.

Wake me in the spring please. For now �Do Not Disturb� the panic under wraps.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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