The house hunt goes on and thus far the few houses we have driven by and the one we looked at are not good. We originally thought we had lots of time since our Apt. Complex allows month to month and when we signed the lease the month to month was $100 more than the rent, reasonable. Then the complex sold and along with all the other terrible changes the new month to month is more than $300 more than the current rent (which is the most expensive rent in town already. This means we MUST!!! Find a place soon or be bled dry by the land barons. I swear I will live in a shack before I will give these people one extra dime of my money (how much you wanna bet they try and keep my security deposit?) My days are filled with working and house hunting, the pressure is on and I feel the weight of it let me tell you.

Along with this I have been casting my mind back (both foolish and wise I suspect) to my previous life to analyze what has changed, what has remained the same and what should still be changed. As always I see parts of myself in other peoples written accounts and it makes me what to examine and explore the human I am. Why have I followed the path I have, why am I moving in my current direction and what will I do next? I can often avoid such musings simply by keeping busy but eventually my mind will force things by interrupting perfectly good sleeping with dreams and sleeplessness wrapped around those questions. I can not avoid them forever.

I�ll admit the house/apartment thing has me thrown (not to mention the upcoming bridesmaid stint in Vegas, as well as other major happenings in my life). My emotions are swirling and so far only my rock of a Darling has been able to keep me from flying away into a storm of emotion.

The clock is ticking on so many different fronts. I want time to move faster and slower at the same time. I need time to find a house and home. I don�t want to wait to tell my entire story. It�s a pushme-pullyou situation. All that and I want to see the future too. I want to know everything will be OK, that I am not damned for all time (or at the very least Karmically challenged). I know that there is no plan and I am not being punished or blessed. Life happens and I must remember not to take it all so personally.

Well I�m off to check the listings again. Need a new home you know.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

�