My goodness, however did I neglect to tell you? I interviewed for a job on Friday and accepted the position in the interview. I will start my new job on Wednesday (the earliest I could be available from the restaurant.) I intend on continuing at the restaurant until I am semi sure that the new position is viable for me. It�s not as much money as the last job I interviewed for (or my position in CA) but it should be enough to keep things paid with only part-time at the restaurant to stash a little away for a rainy day.

To say the least I am happy. My mood at work is greatly improved now that waiting tables isn�t my only source of income. I�m not even my cranky self at home (not that it was horrible I�m sure but I know I�m not a lot of fun to be around when I�m stressing.

I will fill my prescription on Monday (they didn�t have enough in stock to fill the �script on Saturday when I stopped by so I have to go back tomorrow). I have a Dr. appointment on the 16th which will hopefully lead to another prescription (the one from the doc in CA was good for only one month�s supply). I have will have waited a month for the appointment but if it gets me my medication it�s all good.

I�m just a little tongue tied right now. I read friends diaries and I don�t know what to say, to them, to myself, to the world. It pains me to see their suffering and nothing would please me more than giving them Peace but of course that isn�t within my power so I sit off to the side and feel their pain.

To my friend across the sea. Why must you leave? Why can�t you demand equitable distribution and division of property and goods? I�m tired of watching my friends give up what�s rightfully theirs to avoid confrontation. You can�t avoid confrontation, you just screw yourself for nothing. Just my opinion, take it or leave it.

To my friend in the mountains. Why must you leave, and if you must why with all the debt in tow? Please do not make my mistake. Don�t let anyone convince you that it would be easier just to walk away giving up everything and paying all the bills as well. You should not be saddled with all the responsibility. If that�s the case you should just stay and ignore him when he is misbehaving. Let him support his bad habit with what�s left of his paycheck after he kicks into the household. Maybe that will motivate him a little. Enjoy him while he is there and ignore him when he is not. Just my opinion, take it or leave it.

To my friend from home. Ditto above. Just my opinion, take it or leave it.

See what a big head I have? I think I can solve everyone�s problems with a wave of my hand. So much for tongue tied, right?

Guess what I�ve been dreaming about lately? Sick babies. I�m so very afraid that my dreams will turn into a nightmare. I dispense my �sage� advice all the while my gut is tied into knots about the choices I am making about my future here. Even as I long for my place and friends in CA I grow sick about the possibility that I have made some huge, disastrous mistake. And what if my nightmares come true, then what?

I know my life is better spent one day at a time, hell, preferably one moment at a time. Breath in, breath out. But I can�t seem to crawl back inside my skin. In the past it was times like this that I invariably reached for some form of anesthetic; some way to take away all the sharp edges cutting into me. I don�t miss those times really. I never much liked the lack of person that was left after �I� had left the building; the shell that stumbled around without my force to guide it.

I may have posted this before but here it is again because it speaks to me.

Absence

What is it like to stand unknowing in the light?
To take what is precious and leave it untended
When you returned what if what you left is broken?
An empty shell that once was filled with grace.

To never know what happened while you were out.
Shadows dance inside instead of memory�s truth.
You�re always asking others to explain your actions
But how then do you explain them to yourself?

In your absence
What was taken?
In your absence
Who was that?
In your absence
What are you?
In your absence

For some people the veil of darkness is never lifted
As for others, they are left to know too much;
About all the insanity had brought into their lives;
In the absence of the essence of their mind.

In the absence
Empty shell
In the absence
Lost my mind
In the absence
What am I?

~

In the absence of the essence of my life.

Left that life for good, for all my present troubles at least I am here. Good bad or indifferent, I�m here.

�I�m here� Screamed the who.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

�