Four t-shirts, two pairs of jeans, two pairs of black pants, three white shirts, my entire wardrobe of late.

Work clothes to comfy clothes and back again. It�s not the depression that gets you it�s the boredom. The sad part is that had I known I would end up here I would never have chased after a pipedream. All that time wasted chasing after foolishness and now here I sit in sheer utter boredom. It�s not my Darling, there is nothing wrong with him or with us but love can�t change the fact that all that time is gone. Twenty years. Every day I�m more aware of how I have frittered away this life. I don�t believe in the great here after, I believe that this is all you get and that makes things all the more tragic because I haven�t made good use of my life. Wasted, all wasted, and for what?

There was a woman I once knew, we did plays together when I was still young and full of my dreams. She smiled easily and was happy all the time. Her voice was light and pretty and she would show up to rehearsals early and was often the last to leave. Long after I left home and had buried myself in a haze of alcohol and denial I heard from my father that she had died. She often spent evenings in the basement of her home listening to music, drinking wine and singing. Many nights she would sleep on the couch (I imagine it is possible she would pass out after too much wine) so her husband wasn�t concerned when she didn�t come to bed. The next day he went down to their rec room to find that she had hung herself sometime during the night. Wasted time and boredom.

I don�t see myself making that choice but I understand the impulse. Maybe my desire to have a child is simply a reaction to the uselessness of my existence up to this point. I feel the need to justify my existence.

Wasted�random�boredom�

What is the lunar cycle right now? Waning, like me? I�m supposed to be fertile right now.

Such foolishness�

Random�

Wrap my brain around where I am and where I am not. Seemed like a good idea at the time.

They all seemed like good ideas at the time.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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