Where to begin? This week has been full of adventures and not all of them pleasant. In my last post I was anticipating a milestone in my life and reminiscing about the years between my awakening and this much improved life of mine. Then Monday morning it all fell down. First of all let me tell you that I am aware that the entire situation is all of my own making. I behaved like a petulant child first thing Monday morning and I might claim lingering illness and emotional stress over the impending few months reliving the events of two years ago (albeit soften by the passage of time) but really it should not have happened and had I controlled my emotional outburst I would not be sitting squarely on pins and needles today.

My department seems to suffer from severe budget constraints. So much so that in the past I have purchased my own office supplies in order to use what I prefer. Whenever possible I have scrounged around the building for paperclips and hole punches. Just about every item on my desk has been purloined. I have not had a stapler since the one I had stolen from my ex bosses empty office took a dump. When I requested a new one more than a year ago I was told that I had just missed the recent order and they would order it next time. Of course next time never came and as I continued to attempt to find one I was faced with person after person telling me to �just order a new one�. When I explained the tight budget I was told that it was ridiculous that I couldn�t just get a new one. Finally thoroughly frustrated I selected the cheapest stapler available from the office supply store (the price of which is reduced by our discount from ~$8 to around $5) along with a couple of other items forgoing a new calendar in exchange for my much needed stapler. This was the week before �the event�. After being off work since mid Wednesday I returned to work on Monday to find a ridiculously old and beaten Bostich stapler in my inbox. I�m embarrassed to admit that I had a little temper tantrum. I railed a bit on the silliness of spending thousands of dollars to travel around the world and then not purchase a five dollar stapler to control cost. It was a moment in my mind, over long before the coffee pot had finished gurgling out the first pot of coffee for the day. When my co-worker suggested that I should speak to my boss about it I told her that I was not going to make any further deal about it. I felt that despite my unfortunate outburst it truly wasn�t worth any further attention and that I would simple use the thing or purchase a smaller, more portable one for myself. I thought it was over. I couldn�t have been more wrong. Over the course of the morning and into the afternoon I was approached by my boss, first in the public �kitchen�, then in my office and then finally in his office after a discussion about one of my cases. Each time, he attempted to explain the budgetary constraints claiming that the decision as to the purchase of the stapler was out of his hands, the item had been crossed off the list when it was submitted and he was handed the old stapler. Each time I explained that I was simply expressing a little frustration of working under those constraints and that I was sorry it had happened. I explained that I hadn�t come to him because I felt it was unworthy of his attention it was after all �just a stapler�. (Yes I am aware at this point that I am rapidly becoming the stapler man from office space). The event had grown so out of proportion I was ready to scream. I just wanted to get back to work and forget about it. By the end of Monday I assumed it was all over and tomorrow was another day. Imagine my shock and horror when my boss saw fit to greet me first thing the following day with some notes on my case and �oh BTW I�m going to need you to sign this and return it to me.� He had written me up (a verbal) for insubordination (bad attitude) and that I had disrespected his authority. I gasped, (literally) and immediately turned away so that he wouldn�t see the tears in my eyes and I strained to keep the emotion out of my voice as I responded to his secondary request for another case. He had sandwiched the end of my world between two menial task requests. I didn�t know what to do. He had tried to write me up once before for leaving early on a Friday (also at the word of the employee who I specifically asked not to carry the tale of the event) only to find out I was working in another area of the plant and left after both of them (I often stay late and skip lunch). I had an email sent at the end of the day to back me up. That was promptly forgotten.

Feeling as though I had no recourse I contacted the head of the department (my boss�s boss) and asked him if I could discuss the matter with him suggesting that my boss might have received a miss-communication. After my explanation he invited my boss to join us and that�s when I found out the scope of my problem. He had interpreted my every action as a personal affront to him. The interchange in my office was described thusly:

�even when I gave you the paperwork you responded flippantly, you want pffft and then turned away and wouldn�t even meet my eye and then responded with a sarcastic �sure� when I directed you about the case�.

Talk about reading a situation wrong.

The compromise that we hammered out is that the note will not go into my personnel file but will be kept (as blackmail I must assume) by my boss.

Before and following this meeting my boss began to find fault in my work, so much so that I became concerned that there might be an agenda. Damn, I really liked this job. I am now afraid to have contact with him lest he read me wrong and even my lack of contact will be read wrong. Damned if I do and damned if I don�t.

On Wednesday I spoke to HR and explained my emotional state, my concern about further offending my boss and my fears for my continued employment and she promised to address the issue with my boss assuring me that she would impress upon him that I was not "going behind his back" but attempting to communicate. I didn't want to cry in front of him and I can not seem to talk about my current emotional state with out losing control.

Then Thursday on the way home from an off site project my car entered it�s death throes. For a while now it has struggled up hills and from stops and I was aware that I would soon need to buy a new car but I was putting it off in the hopes of getting my finances a little more in order. Finances be damned I could no longer put it off. The car speed was reduced to below 45 mph on the freeway going up hill. I wasn�t able to get back from my site before the end of the day and I had to get a new car pronto. Friday I arranged to go to the bank and secure a loan during my lunch hour. A customer kept me on the phone until almost one o�clock and as I was leaving my office the admin (see employee mentioned above) told me she had taken a customer call from the east coast and they were looking for an obsolete item. I told her I could delay my lunch no longer and that I would address it when I returned. I was stopped on the way out to discuss a work related issue and finally left the building around 1:20 or so. My car gasped and chugged it�s way to the bank, I arranged for a loan for Saturday and headed back to work arriving sometime before three. I was again stopped on my way back to my office and while I was downstairs she called me on my cell (not company issued my personal cell) to find out where I was and to express that it �must be nice�. I am salaried. This means that I am not required to punch in and out and my comings and goings should not be tracked most especially by an admin. She fell upon the excuse that the customer needed attention and I told her she needn�t worry I would take care of it (the week before I had accessed my e-mail from home during my illness to make sure customer requests did not go without attention due to my absence, I am not nonchalant about my responsibility to the customer.) The information that he needed was not critical and would in fact require some research so even had I returned exactly one hour from the time I left it would have been after five on the east coast by the time I had an answer. My intent was to call back on Monday with the information. I resent having my actions tracked by the admin (did I mention I am salaried). She would be long gone by the time I left the building. I habitually put in more than 40 hours a week (and believe me I get hell from My Darling about that, his opinion being you should give only what you must to your job).

With Monday being a holiday there is a chance she will return and say nothing but I doubt it. So my day back to work next week will begin with my defending myself yet again. I will tell my boss she is wrong that I was only gone from the building for an hour and fifteen minutes and then I will be as humble as possible so as not to piss him off. This is getting old already. I don�t want to start over yet again. I don�t want to step back down to the bottom of the ladder. I think there might be something wrong with me. I attract negative attention from at least one co-worker where ever I work (this is the first time it has been my boss and that severely complicates things because I have no champion to protect me from dismissal).

Gosh this is long and drawn out but in my defense I told you it was quite a week.

Saturday I bought a car. In some ways one might call it my reward for good living over the past two years but really it was necessary to my employment. I can not however enjoy the purchase. Expensive outlays of money have always been difficult for me as my fears that I will not be able to live up to them overwhelm at times. This is especially true in light of the fact that my boss may take umbrage to my �long lunch� (did I mention he was out sick and has no idea how long I was gone and must go on second hand information?) and call me on the carpet further placing my job in jeopardy.

I find myself spiraling down out of control like a jet that has gotten into a tail spin. Everything feels out of my control and I can�t help but be alarmed about what may be my final days of employment with this company and the daunting task of finding a new job after being �fired for cause�. I watched My Darling go through it last year and I don�t believe I could manage it as gracefully as he did. I have no financial cushion and I have just added to my burden.

My head is pounding, my stomach is tied in a tight knot and I must anticipate my impending doom for two more days. I know that worry is a waste of time and energy but I can�t seem to control it and panic is beginning to set in. I can�t enjoy the fact that I am the owner of a 1999 Honda Civic LX (red with a spoiler). I can only sit in abject fear of the axe about to fall.

I sit in the tower room contemplating the feel of the axe slicing through my world.

Two years Sober, um yay?

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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