He is sleeping I think. I am not sure, he could be laying in the next room wondering what I am doing. I hope he is sleeping because I don't want him to know how I feel. I feel lost. I know without me he would have probably returned to the safety of his home instead of watching the clock tick and his bank account dwindle and wonder what he will do. I know that he wants to ask me to pack up my life and move somewhere else, somewhere he thinks he will have better luck at finding a job. I know he is afraid I will say no, I am afraid I will say yes. I am afraid I will turn my world upside down for this man I love and leave all I have built here to follow him into the unknown. My heart aches because I love him and I can do nothing to ease his suffering and worse I am not sure I want to. I don't want to carry someone elses burden along with my own Iwhave been down that road and it is exhausting. How do I love him and protect myself from my love, a love that would move heaven and earth to help him only to have him hate me. He will hate me, I will love him into hate and I have no idea how to stop myself. At the very moment of my budding happiness it was pulled from me. This is my self pity I know and in the face of his depression and pain I feel ungrateful for all that I have. I have a job, money to pay my bills, friends who stand by me and a man who loves me. He claims only me as the good in his life. How can I be everything to someone and not disappoint. I am afraid I am destined for failure. I want to crawl away and hide but my life demands my attention. I can not sleep, I am done weeping, there is nothing left but counting the hours until I must enter into the world and pretend that the universe isn't spinning apart. Perhaps tomorrow will bring a job for him easing his tensions (and mine). The sun will rise regardless, shining as though nothing is wrong, how unfair is that, I want the weather to suit my mood, where is the rain when you need it.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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