The search is over. Tomorrow my Darling and I will sign the lease on our new apartment. I am happy and terrified all in one breath. It isn't that I am scared of the commitment involved with living with someone (after all I have been living with my Beau for at least ten months now) but no I have a deadline to complete the clean out and removal of my RV from the park and preparation or the sale. I have been neatly avoiding the entire chore by simply ignoring it. Unfortunately I don't have that luxury anymore. I am tempted to set a match to the thing but as my Sweetheart reminds me that is my reduction in debt and my new car. What is most unpleasant is the realization that I don't want anything from that time period. I look at even the expensive things and think "How can I have that around and no think of bozo?" I want my life to begin again and I still have all the past crap. Don't forget I have all that furniture, appliances and the baby grand piano back in Niagara Falls that I am spending hard earned (could be going out and having fun money) to keep it all in storage. I just have too much stuff. The RV stuff is too nice to throw away and too creepy to keep.
Today I stood in the middle of my old home and cried. It is not my home but it is full of me. Trouble is I am not alone in there and I don't want anything to do with the memories that flood the place as surely as the water from my recently broken water line. I can remove the water from the rugs and use fans to dry the place out but nothing I can do will exorcize the demon from my used to be home. I don�t want to clean and pack the place up. I must complete the task by the end of the month and there is no one who can help me.
I am feeling a little overwhelmed right now. I have decided to find a home for Mr. Moochie. I was originally going to keep him but he isn�t happy (he is lonely) and I am not happy (too much history I don�t want to remember � the Mooch arrived two months before my wedding and so all stories have a common denominator I don�t want to think about). I am not able to be a pet owner right now, I can barely take care of myself and I find myself resenting the Moocher at 2 am when he is at the window out of desperate loneliness and I hate him, then I hate myself for it. Better he should be in a home with other kitties (and away from me).

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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