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2005-05-13 - 12:37 p.m.

Today is Friday and I am headed into a weekend I fully intend on making the most of. The clock is ticking on my exodus of the trailer park so I need to buckle down and just do this. I also need to begin the process of selling the items I have in storage on the east coast most notably my baby grand piano and antique Asian red lacquered bent wood desk. Both were treasures at the time I purchased them but they are too far away to enjoy and too expensive to move out here (not to mention I have no space for them) so they must go to the chopping block. By that I actually mean the Auction block. I have been advised by many that I should sell my many unwanted but still worthy items on E-bay. I almost signed up weeks ago but on step two of the process I was faced with the task of turning over my bank account number to the E-bay system in order to open a seller�s account. I do not wish to use my one and only account this way, color me apprehensive but I pay my rent and bills from that account I can�t afford troubles. Don�t bother telling me it can�t happen because I have had many an event in my life that seemed impossible till it happened. No more lollygagging for me though. Today I will open my �E-bay� bank account and then sign up for the sellers account. This weekend I will then photograph items that I wish to sell.

My Darling Beau is home ill today and I expect it may last the weekend. This is not good for him of course but perhaps it will allow me the time to devote to the task at hand. The apartment hunting has taken up the past months weekends and this weekend I was scheduled to attend two parties. Unfortunately they are not on the same day so I am forced to give up part of both days. One of the parties is for a friend of my Beau and one is a friend of mine. Neither one can be avoided with out insult and hurt feelings. This weekend is also my Sweethearts and my anniversary. Sunday we will have been together for one year. I wish we had planned a get away so that others would not intrude on our day but alas, it snuck up on us and now we are forced to share our day or incur the disfavor of both of our friends. I am hesitant to disassociate with my friends because I allowed my ex to isolate me and that led to his ability to take advantage of me. It isn�t that I believe that my Beau is capable of such things but our friends can protect us from ourselves. How much of my world is my own making? Did I create the conditions that led to my own demise? Better to have a healthy mix of relationships instead of one insidiously exclusive relationship. �Us against the world� is an unhealthy way to exist.

I wonder if I would have a larger social circle if I had children. I realize that circles expand and contract as time goes on dependent on work, geography and life choices but it seems as if I am reduced to friends who have never reproduced (like me), ones who are still very young and haven�t started (I will lose them when they do) and older friends whose children are grown. No one I know is where I am in my life. The closest person to me in life and geography is still drinking excessively. I love her but I can�t be around her anymore. When she is drunk she gets on my very last nerve. It is not her fault of course, my ex ran my tolerance for drunks into the ground, so there is nothing left for her. She and I used to get drunk together and talk about old times. Now it seems to me to be more of whining about past and present injustices. I participated at one time (in fact I still do my fair share of whining here) but I have outgrown the childish notion of fair. I no longer want to get what I deserve I just want to do things that make me happy, and stop obsessing time gone by. What�s done is done, nothing can change it and talking about it (drunk or sober) serves no healthy purpose.

Closure is an interesting concept. I thought maybe by the last meeting after the divorce was final I would be able to face him without a physical reaction. I am ill in his presence but at least, however, I experienced a happiness connected to the freedom of never having to see him again. Still my heart aches when I am surrounded by the fragments of what used to be. When the RV is gone and I am moved into my new home with my Darling Beau will I finally be free of the ghost, or will he haunt me forever? I know it is I who must let go, but that is easier said than done. I must decide what stays and what goes, how much of my past to keep and at what cost. It is for this reason that I weep.

Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind�indeed.

I wish you Peace

~alison~


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