The rain has subsided, the sun has broken through the clouds and with the change in the weather my mood has improved considerably. It catches me unaware from time to time, this illness, and me so careful not to blame �life� on my mental illness. Of course the issues I have are not resolved with my improved mood and will need to be faced at some point but I think one at a time and without the artificial emotional state created by my illness.

I fear that I will make another major mistake in my life (I fear, in fact, that I am making a mistake right now although I couldn�t tell you if I am too distant or too close in my current relationship). This is the crux of my dilemma. I have no idea what is the right step and so I am paralyzed.

A year ago I knew what needed to be done. I knew that my marriage was broken. I suspected that the damage was beyond repair and so I was prepared to do whatever was necessary to protect myself. Today things are different. My world is less dramatic, calmer, and though I am still rooting out the strange habits I didn�t even know I had developed, things are good. They are not great, but I�m not sure if it is because greatness, though pursued by many and obtained by so very few, is simply not very common and I should be happy with good or if I am settling for good because I am afraid to try again.

The question is �what is love?� How much Ooooh and Ahhh is there in real love? My ex made my knees weak but didn�t deliver in the bedroom and he was a lousy mate. My new love, less exciting on the surface (don�t get me wrong I think he is very attractive but my knees are less susceptible it seems) exceeds my expectation in the bedroom and would appear to be a better mate (though I don�t know what to look for just what not to look for).

How tangled in someone else�s life am I willing to get? How far is too far into the emotional ocean, when do I reach the point of no return? Is there a point of no return? I have so much life experience (both alone and with someone) and my Love has so very little. I suspect his feelings as I suspect my own. I don�t want to waste either of our time because it is such a very precious commodity. I don�t want our relationship to be all deposit no return.

Of course it is at this point that most people I know will inform me that this issue is as common as a dandelion on a summer day and just as unremarkable. Still this is my world and these are the issues that face me. I can no more ignore them than I can the dandelion on my front lawn. I am, like everyone else, looking for a beautiful green lawn of a life unmarred by gopher burrows or dandelions. I can�t take care of anyone else�s lawn for them. I will lend tools or advice if I am asked but it is none of my business otherwise.

So what of my relationship? Before my divorce I could not offer any commitment. Now I am free I hesitate to walk into bondage again. My only experience with long term commitment was as a captive and that may not be the norm but it is all I know. I am not being asked to make that decision but I don�t want to lie to myself or another. Each day I wonder if it is right and each night, nestled in his arms, I feel safe, warm and loved. I love this man, flaws and all. Is that all you need?

All you need is love�.

As long as it is actually love � unconditional love � mutual love and respect.

That�s all.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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