I�m wondering�

With my life changing so much (always for the better it seems), why is it that whenever I am forced to speak to my ex (which will be from now on because I can�t afford to pay the lawyer to do it) I feel so emotionally drained?

I don�t love him anymore (I have rooted around in my psyche and I am sure of this. I find him to be sad, nothing more). I am in love with the man I am with now and though I am not free from the emotional landmines planted during my short-lived marriage I grow stronger and surer everyday.

Still I am overwhelmed with emotions whenever I am forced into contact with the man I once loved.

The day that followed my last conversation with him grew from bad to worse as I systematically self destructed, worrying my friends and Beau with my inability to focus. I lost my phone, watch and nearly collided with a car due to my distracted state.

I am currently coordinating with my ex-brother-in-law to move my things from his and my ex�s mother�s house into storage and he is both cordial and cooperative. I make no attempt to explain the separation and he makes no inquiries. I suspect he has his own ideas about what happened. The contact with him is only slightly less stressful in spite of his pleasantness.

I don�t like to share my turbulent emotions with my Sweetheart in part because I just don�t have the words to express the what and why that I am feeling. So here I am, trying to work out what it is that I am feeling.

The anger is gone for the most part. I must admit that I was very unhappy with having to speak to my ex�s girlfriend (the used to be, wanted to be my friend, woman who expressed a desire to have my life and settled for having my husband). I was incredulous over her inquiry as to how I am doing. What color is the sky in the world that allows her to believe that she and I could be �chatty�? The same world that my ex occupies when he asks after the health of the cats I suppose. But surprise can not be mistaken for anger.

My mind returns from time to time to the past but those thoughts are fewer and, like the thoughts of smoking that I had after my quit, should eventually dwindle away to nothing. One day it will occur to me that I haven�t thought of him or my marriage in I don�t know how long. It already seems like a lifetime ago and I have yet to �celebrate� the date of our separation.

So once again, why am I so very useless after an interchange? I wonder if all the words unsaid, emotions un-vented, past hurts still raw come together to form a tsunami of emotion that crashes into me and leaves me bruised and battered despite my best efforts at moving on. Will the edge soften after time and distance have played their part? Will I find peace at some point?

I�m certain the answer to this question is �yes�. I just hope that I can survive the next few months so that I can truly be done with the past and move toward the future. I have pressing decisions to make and I can�t afford to be distracted.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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