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2005-01-10 - 9:06 a.m.

I am a horrible pet owner. I have been systematically neglecting my cats for months now. I go to the RV daily, feed, water and give attention, but that is not enough. I feel guilty and then I get angry because I don�t want any responsibility right now. I want to be free from all the ties that used to bind. I am sick with it. The cats are desperate for attention and I feel pressured and put upon. Yesterday it was raining (I would say cats and dogs but that would be morose) and I didn�t want to go to the RV and take care of the cats. I wanted to stay in the warm house and play monopoly and pretend that I don�t have the responsibility to take care of the three little bodies occupying my used to be home. The trouble is it isn�t home anymore. It feels cold and uninviting and creepy (my friend who watched my cats while I was away for the holiday even noticed the difference in the energy of my �home�). I want a new home. I want to find a place that is neither his nor mine but that is a huge step that I am not sure I am prepared to take. I don�t know what to do. On one hand I feel like I am trapped between my old life and my new and I don�t know if the new is any better than the old and I am so very tired of it all. The rain and the grey. The cold and the damp. I would blame this on my illness but now I think that is just an excuse. Other people manage to get through their lives without falling apart. I think I am just weak. I wonder about children and I can�t take care of cats. What a silly nit I am. There is no rock to hide under, no place to run, I am stuck realizing that I wouldn�t want to be with me either. If I were him I would run away. I�m so very tired.

I wish you Peace

~alison~


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