It's a lazy Sunday for me today. I will go mountain biking later (when it cools off) but for now I sit in my PJ's as I watch my boyfriend nap and contemplate my first business trip in my new position. To be honest it is my first real business trip having never had a job which required a any travel. I'm nervous and excited. I want to make a good showing as I just barely escaped the executioners axe in the form of a massive lay-off which included my last boss and everyone in my old department. I am very much aware at this moment of how precarious this job is (or any job in a "right to work" they should just say "right to fire your butt whenever we want to" state). I am not looking forward to spending the two nights alone in a hotel room. I am a notorious insomniac especially when I am in a strange place and uncomfortable. I will miss my boyfriend too, it is amazing how quickly we can become used to having someone there just outside our concious awareness but still felt. I know he is not happy that I will travel as part of my job but I think that it is a good thing for me, I have a tendency to either push people away or cling. Both of which are bad habits that need to be broken. Perhaps if I am forced to be alone within a relationship I can have the best of both worlds. Freedom and comfort.

I am still riding the rollercaoster right now as well. I feel out of sorts, I am in a mixed state I believe both depressed and anxious. My energy levels are high and I am sleeping poorly but I am not feeling the euphoria that comes with the hyper period, instead, even though I have nothing but good in my life right now I am feeling sad and out of control of my emotions. I have been told in the past that I can just bring myself out of it by "Thinking happy thoughts" I wish that were so. I try everyday to tell myself that I have so much to be happy about and that I should not feel this way. I suppose that is the crux of this disease. The emotions you experience defy reason and logic. For a scientist this is a truely distressing situation. If I can not use reason and logic to pull myself out of the pit then I am trapped. I have no other tools at my disposal. The medication helps but it can not cure the disease it can only help me to manage it. I am still condemned to ride the ride.

Today I will disappear for a little while in the action of mountain biking. I will ride a real roller coaster through the woods in order to forget the emotional roller coaster that is currently torturing my mind. I will remember that this is temporary and there will be an escape eventually. If nothing else I can come here and put words to my feelings and that is something all by itself.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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