Stopped at work today, had to drop off paperwork for my leave. I miss having a place to go, I miss the people I work with, I miss being the kind of person who can go and do a job. I feel useless because I can't work. I felt sick to my stomach yesterday when the paperwork came in. There are so many people out there shouting about how many people are lazy, not working. I complained about my ex being lazy and here I am, sitting around doing nothing. The paperwork had the perjury warnings and everything. It's not like I get anything monetary from my job or the government I'm just asking to have my job back when I stop falling apart. I have to remember that. I'm not lazy, I'm sick. If I were diabetic or epileptic and had a problem controlling the symptoms I wouldn't have to hem and haw about what was wrong, no, but me I'm mentally unstable which makes me scary, the very word scares people "Bipolar". Hell, it scares me.

I didn't stay long and everyone was nice even the folks who don't really like me but it wasn't long before I was starting to tear up. My emotions are always right there on the surface. I had to leave. No matter where I go I'm falling.

It's raining, it's been raining on and off all day. I spent my day running around dropping paperwork, quick stop shopping. On the way out of the grocery store there we a brief respite from the rain. I juggled the groceries, and Baby boy who clutched his free cookie waiting "until we get to the car" to eat it. As I strapped him into his car seat he was talking about an old man up. "old man is up" he kept saying over and over as two year olds do waiting for me to acknowledge him. It took a second before I realized which old man he was talking about. The rain had stopped so the old man wasn't snoring anymore, he was up. When I said that he smiled "yes". Sometimes I wish I could go back to that time, before I found out how mean the world was. When the world was all new but made some sense. I'm 46 years old and I still can't figure out why it is so hard for people to be kind. It sucks for everyone, nobody has a corner or the good life, we all struggle, why is it necessary for people to be so unkind. Where is compassion? Why can no one place themselves into other shoes long enough to recognize we are all doing the best we can. The Dr. says my problem stems from my inability to accept human nature and recognize that people are just crappy. This reinforces my prior conclusion that humans are icky. It makes me sad to think that my interaction with people disappoints me so much it is making me sick. I am always thinking if I can find the right approach, change my persona, they will leave me alone. I don't even care about friends anymore, now I just want to stop being target zero for the bullies. I'm 46 and still have to deal with bullies. I don't get why people waste their energy on someone they don't like. If I don't like someone I just leave them alone.

Ack.

List:
Dropped paperwork to Doc
Dropped paperwork to work
Grocery store for pork for dinner
Laughed with my son
Laughing with My Darling

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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