I've been quiet again. Not completely sure why. Lot's of folks stopped by during Anna's travels and all I could think of at the time is that they would be disappointed and a bit incredulous that Anna was a fan. I mean really, there is nothing worth reading here. I do that. I look at my self and my stuff and think, "this is all crap". Three years ago I wrote a novel during NaNoWriMo and I never even offered it to my Dad to read. It's crap, after all, like everything else I write. But it's my Dad right? SO he's going to like it just cause I wrote it right? But in my mind he doesn't like it cause it's crap but he can't tell me cause I'm his daughter so he says it'd good all the while he knows it's crap so I shouldn't let him read it.

He came to visit the holiday weekend and I gave him the thing to read. Big step for me. Doesn't matter if he likes it, he deserves to read it, he helped make me who I am, he deserves to see that side of me don't you think?

My best friend also visited last week. We chatted about this and that, our lives and general stuff. Catching up and all. Funny, we both described ourselves as the "worst friend ever" because we both suck at communicating in any significant way when we are apart. Used to be we met up once a week for class and/or dinner now months go by without our talking and yet we still consider each other best friends. Best "worst" friends forever.

As for the quiet, I am not sure. I am feeling quiet lately and that isn't really a good thing. Subdued, the shrink called it (I think I am repeating myself but I keep coming back to it). I can never trust myself and my feelings but then f that is true how can I decide anything. How can I know what is my responsibility (my side of the street if you will) and what is somebody elses shit? How do I function?

Oh, and the chocolate chip cookie thing, I get weird about that. I feel like I am trying to buy friends (the little voice in my head says that) but then again I like to give them to my friends because I know it makes them happy. One of the girls got stiffed last night for no particular reason just circumstances beyond her control, I gave her a cookie and she smiled and said it did make her feel better. I liked helping her feel better, it's not much but it's something I can do. AM I trying to buy friends? After all who would want to be my friend (the little voice whispers) if I didn't bring cookies?

I hate that little voice which is appropriate I suppose because the little voice obviously hates me. How do you take a hit out on a part of you and not destroy the rest of you? I feel bad about myself more often than not now a days. I used to feel like I could do anything I wanted and now I feel like I can't do anything. I feel helpless. Thank goodness I have my Darling. He takes such good care of me, but it has to suck for him because I am as much of a responsibility as Baby Boy and that isn't fair. He should have a partner not a burden.

I am out of time, have to get ready for work.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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