I had a bad night earlier this week and at the end of the very long day I thought �I need a drink�. Not an uncommon thought the world over at the end of the day but for me it was very unusual. First of all I don�t drink, I am an alcoholic, I think, maybe,h i well who knows whether it is a symptom of my disease or a disease all it�s own that is not the point. The point is I can not go home put my feet up and enjoy a glass of wine. I do not savor the taste or the warmth that follows the liquid down my throat. I do not sit quietly and unwind. I don�t drink like that because I don�t like the taste of it, I don�t like the taste of any alcohol except for the new versions that are flavored to taste like anything but the firewater that they are. I do not enjoy the soft buzz that follows a little alcohol, never did. I desire alcohol so that I can check out quickly and quietly from the world that I am having difficulty dealing with. It is a defective coping mechanism born of a defective mind. It still lingers (both the mechanism and the mind).

In the middle of my shift I called my darling, unable to function, needing him to calm my jangling nerves, to help me over the hump and he did. He was there to hold my hand from across town (I love cell phones). When I arrived home the place was full of little notes with three simple words �I love you�. I continued to find them all night and the following day and each time I smiled and felt the love in my heart for this man. Alcohol could never do that for me. It could never hold my hand and tell me it will be alright. I never really consider drinking even on the rare occasion when I long for oblivion. The moment passes as it always does and I get over it. I don�t want to be a social drinker so I don�t get sucked back in. I don�t miss those days and now is so much better even with my current struggles to be more open with the ones I love. Still I should make note that the impulse still exists, it is still a part of my faulty coping mechanisms. I recognize my impulses but now I try to do the opposite despite the absolute certainty that it will not go well. I am often correct but that may be in part because I am still poor at expressing my thoughts and feelings so I botch things up and ruin the moment. It will get better with practice I hope. Maybe too I will get over (for real not the �I just don�t want to say anything so as to not start something� kind of get over it). I just keep doing it.

I have a friend who was diagnosed with MS. Actually we haven�t been friends for a very long time but there was a time when we were very good friends. She has pursued a difficult life without the support of family or friends, loving a woman which is by no means an easy row to hoe. She has finally received the support of those she loves and now she is faced with a horrible disease. My only hope for her is that she be surrounded by loved ones for the rest of her life. She deserves it after all she has been through.

I�m off to work. Hopefully today will be better.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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