Like most woman I talk bout things. When stuff is bothering me I like to talk. Right now a lot is bothering me and I can�t seem to say what I want to My Darling. I tried yesterday to preface my day with the reality, right now I�m not able to deal with the world appropriately. Then we proceed to work our way into an afternoon where I feel all �he�s mad at me and I don�t know why� and (as it turns out) he feels �she�s mad at me and I don�t know why�. So there we were sitting next to each other, both of us feeling miserable for nothing; the cost of not talking. I don�t see the point of restating the obvious; there is no fix.

I KNOW that I should not worry until I actually know what is up.

I KNOW it could be nothing.

I UNDERSTAND that my disease makes me take a little thing and blow it up to be the end of everything.

Knowing these things does not make the fear go away. I am so very scared I can�t deal with it. I called into work last night because although I thought the distraction would be good I recognized that one little confrontation with the cooks or a customer and I would literally fall apart. I wasn�t able to deal appropriately with My Darling and I love him. So I sat home last night trying not to think of things.

I slept poorly and then I find out the most terrible thing. I can�t have creamer in my coffee. What kind of cruelty is that? No creamer in my coffee? How am I supposed to face the horrors of today (prep day) with out my coffee? No I don�t think I can drink it with just sugar.

Time to get Baby Boy and really begin the day. I can hear him on the monitor playing in his crib, I have the best baby.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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