This diary began sometime after my ex and I separated. In fact I was already cohabitating with My Darling albeit unofficially as I continued to return to my RV regularly to pick up clothes and do laundry. I had convinced myself I wasn�t getting too involved if I maintained my own space. Somehow doing laundry at the RV park rather than My Darling�s complex indicated I was not jumping into something too fast after my breakup. Silly Rabbit, tricks are for kids.

So much of my travails before then was documented on the old ALA FFS website and was lost forever when they changed format.

(I tried to embed a link but for some reason it won't take so here is the main site address http://www.lungusa.org incase you are interest in quiting. I believe they are still the best place to learn how, and receive support for quitting smoking. Also stop by at http://quit-smoking-support.woofmang.com/ for more support, Kevin is always there to lend a hand)

I would have liked to have been able to go back and read my thoughts, muddled as they were since most of it was from before I quit drinking and I drank every night then. It would have helped me to see that time from now, like having a time machine. Maybe some of you have memories of that time. I wish I could remember more (emotional memory) of the last year of my marriage (not including the year I waited for my divorce). I can trace my growth in my new marriage but I have lost forever the crumbling of my first relationship. I may stumble across a 3D journal or two that may reveal snippets but before I found this place I was never too good at maintaining a diary always losing interest (?) or maybe just losing track of time and then feeling awkward getting back to it. I bet I could fill a box with journals I have begun with the best intentions and abandoned early in the blank pages outnumbering the filled ten to one.

I want to know that woman better. I want to try and understand her thoughts at the time. I will never be that person again and the memories I have are, by definition, flawed. Each person takes from every event that which touches them. Only by reading the words from that time can you see the real thoughts and emotions expressed then and there. Even that �history� is one sided and incorrect but it is, hopefully, a true accounting of the world according to me. My poetry speaks (I have collected those over time) and I can see some of my past in them but they are open to interpretation and just as any artwork the observer takes from the art what they see not necessarily what the artist saw. Even when reading my own poetry I don�t always remember the emotions that inspired the words. I want a solid, concrete storyline that I can trace from there to here more accurately. Whether I ever tell the story formally I would at least like to know it myself. �The History of Me� if you will.

I am looking for any threads originated at FFS by me involving my personal struggles as I maintained my quit through to my separation. I know it isn�t likely anybody has anything but if you have even a single thread it would be a treasure to me.

Here now is the million dollar question, why now? Why is it so important that I know, now, about the reality of then. Is it just a desire to write a story or is there something more important pressing me to know that me: that abandoned soul left on the side of the road while "I" moved on to a new life?

I wonder.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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