I got a letter!!

After returning home from another disappointing evening at the restaurant where I have been averaging minimum wage for the past two weeks I was excited to find a letter sent all the way from the United Kingdom to little old me. Yes, I am twelve years old and still experience a thrill at find an honest to goodness letter in my mailbox. Think about it though, now a day what do you find in your mailbox other than bills and credit card offers? OK around time for your birthday you get a card or two and the obligatory Christmas cards show up but most of the time there is no reason to rush out to the mailbox to see if today is the day that you will get a post from someone far away.

I love the feel of a letter. I love knowing that the words on the paper were penned by a friend (even a friend you have never actually met). Unlike electronic communication, letters seem more personal. I feel more comfortable speaking on paper than even here. And once it is gone there is no taking it back, no delete function, no recall. One must trust the person on the other end of the exchange to keep your confidence. I have enjoyed several written relationships over the years, in fact one of my dearest friends has always been more precious from afar than up close and personal. Some people are better known that way. I may even be one of them. I know that I am a trying friend, needy and emotionally weak. I wish that it were different. I wish that I were one of those people that everyone wants to be friends with. I suppose there are plenty of folks who would like to be my friend now but that is because they don�t really know me. If they knew me then they would run in the opposite direction.

Last night I cried at an inappropriate time. I hurt feelings and I can�t take it back (you can never take things like that back and no amount of apology or explanation makes it right again). I am damaged, well flawed really since I was mostly born this way, my past just made things worse. I can�t blame My Darling for being frustrated with me. There are only so many times one can reassure before it gets tired. It�s just that I have lost once. Whether or not it was worth having is of no significance, the fact is I once had something that was, at the time, very important to me and I lost it. When my life becomes precarious I fear losing again. This time there is so much more at stake. This time I would know the reality of devastation if I managed to screw this up as well.

I am not used to being physically dependent. I have always been emotionally dependent which is why I was good pickings for my Ex but this is the first time in my adult life that I have been financially dependent on someone other than my parents (and even then it was for a brief stint in my early twenties). I am put off by it. Christmas is coming and I don�t know how I will afford to buy presents. I can�t bring myself to ask My Darling for money to buy him a gift. How silly is it to ask another for money to buy them a gift. The last time I did that was with my parents. I remember saving my birthday money every year so I could purchase gifts with my own money. My Darling can�t understand why I did such a thing. He insists that money for your birthday is to be spent on a gift for yourself but for me, gifting another person was a gift to me. I loved watching others open my gifts to them far more than opening my own gifts. I realize I am odd but since I am the age that I am I suspect I will not change that much. I think I have changed quite a bit and that may be asking for more than I can give. It was hard enough learning to be gracious when someone wanted to pay me for an act I did out of kindness and with no expectation of remuneration. I had to accept that people need to say thank you and you must allow them to do so in whatever way they see fit. Still, maybe I will get money from my parents this birthday and I can use it to buy them and My Darling gifts this Christmas.

I got a letter yesterday and it made me smile.

Tomorrow may bring another wonderful gift.

Today I will say thank you, right back at cha (the reply is already on its way).

I suggest you send a letter or just a card to brighten someone�s day. Make going to the mailbox a happy experience. Give someone a smile.

Toodles

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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