Wow, so many threads going on in my head. My internal dialog sounds like the floor of the UN with about as much consensus. My Darling�s Grandfather died and while it wasn�t sudden or sad in the sense that he was a vibrant man or anything it was still a death in the family. In the end it was good for him to go after all it�s not like any of us get out of here alive as the saying goes and he was quite ill. All that aside he is not himself and while I was tempted to launch into the what�s wrong, what did I do, how can I fix it speech last night I opted instead for delivering physical comfort and keeping my own ego problems to myself. It was a quiet night to say the least.

He is feeling better now and I think maybe my tongue chewing was appreciated (if in fact he is aware of it at all). I find myself babbling from time to time to fill the silence. I�m not comfortable just sitting on the phone in silence so I tend to talk somewhat senselessly about nothing, some nothings I have talked about before which means I am repeating myself. This can get frustrating to the listener I know but I honestly can�t remember sometimes if I have talked with him about something or not. That�s one of the problems with getting old. You have had a million conversations with hundreds of people (or more) and you don�t remember who is who when it comes to topics. I have been told that�s what ends relationships sometimes, you know each others stories so well you can tell them yourself and you are simply bored to death with it all.

So here I am two years in and I�m boring already, how did this happen? I was short with him when he pointed my repetition out to me because I was filling the silence and a bit resentful that he was expecting me to talk (based on his statement �you can fill the silence just don�t repeat yourself�). I let him know I was expecting him to carry his share of conversation or I would get off the phone. Not a threat, per se, but recognition that it isn�t my job to fill the void left by your inattention. Get involved or get out, you know?

The sad part of it is that�s just what happened at lunch. It seems like everything is such a big deal right now and not just for me but for him too, oh, and lets not forget the trying.

This weekend I will go and get my stuff some of which I will trash and other I will sell (look out $-bay) and the rest will be absorbed into our current living space. Until recently very few of my possessions cluttered up our space and my anal retentive Darling isn�t really liking the idea of incorporating my crap in with his crap. He will, willingly, but he can�t hide his distaste of it well. That�s his obsessive side showing through. We all have our things, right?

So more stress, just what I need right now as I try and add to the situation.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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