I would say I�m homesick but since I really haven�t had a home in almost ten years I would have to say that I am feeling separated from what I have come to know. I have my evenings home alone (My Darlings shift starts earlier than most midnights so I have a few hours before bed after he leaves) and I seem to be at a loss for what to do with them. TV doesn�t occupy much of my mind and so I often find myself flipping or simply turning off. I don�t even turn the TV on during my days off preferring to read or find some chore to do. Maybe I�m not even separated so much as I am bored. All the different activities I used to fill the time in my life (gym, karate, dinner with the girls) are all gone now and I am left with a big empty hole.

What to do, what to do�

I went to the hot tub over at the pool area tonight. It was warm (not really HOT!) and felt good but between the teenagers and the mosquitoes I felt a little annoyed. After only 10 minutes I left. Damn, I was hoping it would be nice and hot like the last one. I need a hot tub (anyone over the age of forty should have one, it soothes what aches you.)

I�m having some difficulty communicating with friends in the west both due to time differences and a sense of failure that accompanies my fruitless job search. I know that mine isn�t particularly long, not should I be discouraged as of yet but time does march on and I�m not really the best waitress so I become frustrated with my inability to do everything right (what is it about the cranky cooks that bring out the mistakes) and with peoples disconnect with reality. I want to say this up front. Except in CA all waitresses are paid less than the national minimum wage. When I worked as a server right out of high school 25 years ago I made $2.13/hr + tips, now I make $2.65/hr + tips. That�s means waitresses wages have risen 52 cents in 25 years. Oh, and lest you believe that the average tip has increased, um NO! One dollar is a good tip for one person and most twofers leave two to three. Three tables in an hour sat with two twofers and a single might net you 5 bucks (or less) added to you wage makes for (whoo hoo) $7.65 an hour. That�s when you get sat. You could also go an hour with no table (that means you got $2.65 for that hour.) They also took away the instant gratification. If you leave your tip on a credit card it does not get paid out at the end of the day it gets paid out in your check two weeks later. That�s not really a bad thing, after all most jobs work that way, but the daily money has long been one of the perks of a very difficult job and, poof, that�s gone. Sometimes I don�t make enough money in a shift to put gas in my car (and it�s not a gas guzzler). I don�t mean to whine but it�s challenging keeping a smile on your face as people think nothing of running you ragged and leaving you a buck or two. They aren�t angry, they are happy with the service, they just don�t know the reality. Everyone thinks we get minimum wage.

Speaking of high school (I did back there) this year is my 25th reunion. I graduated from high school 25 years ago, hard to believe. My Darling graduated 10 years ago and is considering whether he will attend his 10 yr reunion. Yes I have done the math and I realize that he was three years old when I graduated from school (don�t think that doesn�t make me uncomfortable). I was young when I graduated (17) so I would have had to have been very, very precocious in order to be his mother. It still bothers me from time to time.

I bought one of those exercise DVDs. It is designed to cover all the bases (I have tried a couple of the routines and they are alright, nothing too difficult.) I have been feeling old lately, mostly due to the rigorous work I have been doing and it�s subsequent effect on my body. I am tired and I ache (thus the trip to the less than satisfying hot tub) and the only way I can see to fix that is to get into better shape. I also want to stay somewhat young looking if I�m gonna hang around with my young Darling. As for the weighdown I am down another two pounds (who knows how) and feeling a littler better in my clothes (I haven�t changed sizes yet but I�m fitting better into the size I was wearing). Other than interview clothing (which I had to have) I am holding off on clothing purchases for now until I see where I land (and with how hard a thud).

Another catch up post, nothing really interesting or philosophical (I must write a ramble to celebrate 3 years quit (June 3rd) and I�m just not feeling it right now. Except to say that in all my stress and detachment I have no thought of smoking (even surrounded by smokers at work and in a state which continues to allow smoking in restaurants and bars), I can�t think of anything inspiring or uplifting.

Inspiration eludes me on many fronts.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

�