So I chickened out. I brought up the topic at the opportune moment of one of his pregnancy jokes. I asked him what he would do if I turned up pregnant. His response �I would have to find a better job because I can barely afford to take care of myself let alone support a child.� Tell me is that a positive or negative? Not the end of the world (�that would be horrible!�) or encouragement (�I would be happy!�) but rational and non-committal. Crap, no help what so ever. Still there is always New Years. There is nothing like closing out a year with serious discussions of the year to come, hopes and dreams and all that. I did ask him what he wanted to do next year and his response was that he doesn�t know what he wants to do this weekend, he just doesn�t think that far ahead. This is of course how my relationship came to be. He didn�t look ahead to the day when I am 50 and he is 36 (14 years seems much bigger at that point). He is noticing older women having babies (he mentioned Julia Roberts and Geena Davis the other day). It�s all in strange context (�I didn�t know GD had twins at 45.�) so I�m not sure, again, if he is thinking about it or not. Crap, Crap and more Crap!

The up side of my life is associated with my tax problem going away in January and after posting my RV on Craigslist I have had quite a few inquiries and I am hoping to get it gone early next year. At the very least I am hoping to make a little dent in my debt and have a little left over for a down payment on a new car. (BTW I am looking for a used car and am hereby soliciting suggestions for year, make and model).

Work is still keeping me quite busy and although My Darling isn�t pleased with my inability to confine my work between 7:30 and 4:00, I am enjoying the challenging environment. Recently the local news did a story on people�s unwillingness to take time off and persistence in doing work on days off and during vacations. For a lazy nations we professionals have intertwined our work so firmly in our lives (and make no mistake there is always that fear of loss of income to push you in that direction) that most of us don�t know how to let go. If you are anything like me you have no cushion and losing your job would mean that you would go from middle class to homeless in one fell swoop. The worst part is I am the second from the last on the charity list. As a white, professional, childless woman the only person less likely than me to receive assistance is a white, professional male. Being fired or laid off is my worst nightmare. If you add a baby into the mix and the tragedy is only slightly lessened. I would be eligible for more assistance but I would have this tiny life dependent on me and my mastery of bad choices.

How do people do this? The consequences to our every miss-step are so very huge; it sometimes makes me want to crawl under a rock. Short of that at the very least I feel unable to make decision despite the knowledge that indecision is a choice as well and in this case could spell a very empty and lonely life�s end.

�down and down I go : round and round I go : like a leaf : that's caught in a tide�
~Black Magic~

I need to do some writing to clear my head. I have purposely waited until the New Year to read and begin reworking my novel. This will occupy some of my non-productive time giving me something to focus on other than work and my lack of baby. I�m printing my novel up today just so I have it for the weekend (I can�t wait to read it). I will probably ring in the New Year quietly at home despite the invitation to step out on the town with friends (can you say amateur night?). If I don�t post before then

HAPPY NEW YEAR ALL!

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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