I spoke to my father last night. In the middle of sharing the day to day of our lives he asked me whether or not I was still going to church. For a short time during the break-up of my marriage I went to church. I tried at the time, and even for a while after I stopped actually going to church, to �believe�. I just can�t. He told me he prays for me (well not just me, all of his children, because none of us have faith) every week. He believes that you need church for strength and without community (and no AA doesn�t count in his book, not that I spend much time in that community anymore) you are weak and in danger. I think he actually believes that my fall into addiction is because I lost faith.

I was raised in the gray area between Roman Catholic and Methodist Christianity. I questioned the Roman faith early on because it seemed to contradict itself (and the teachings of its supposed Savior) all the time and the explanation my Mother gave is that the Church knows best. My Father on the other hand made light of the difference going even so far as to joke about them. When the Nun explained that only Catholics could go to Heaven I cried all the way home because I knew that meant that my Father could not go to Heaven. When my parents found out what I had been told they complained to the Church and the next class the Nun altered her claim to, and I quote, "Roman Catholics get to heaven in a speed boat and all the other religions have to take a rowboat�. When I carried that concept home to my Father he laughed and let me know that Methodist get to heaven first because they don�t have to stop in purgatory, they go straight to heaven.

I was a reader very young. I was impressionable and often reading above my ability to understand or discern truth. I would come home with �facts� that I had read in books and my Father would say �that isn�t true�. I would explain that I had read it in a book. He taught me then that just because something is in a book, or a lot of people believed it, does not make it so. He told me that I had a brain and a mind and I should investigate, look at all the information, and then decide for myself. Why then is he surprised that I have done just what he taught me to do, researched, tested, and scientifically applied logic to the equation but come to a different conclusion than him?

I believed in Christianity for a long time. I believed that there was a God and he was watching over us, loving us, and directing our lives (everything happens for a reason). I believed that Jesus loved me. I believed what they told me was the truth no matter how confusing.

All through my life I have struggled. It seems that my life was more difficult than it should be. I was a good person; I followed the rules, why then did so much crap come my way? �It�s Gods will�, I was told. It�s part of the �Grand Plan�. I can�t understand it but that�s ok I just need to �have faith�. I tried to hang on as the world slipped though my fingers. I rode the emotional roller coaster of mental illness desperately trying to hang on to the belief that it all made sense somehow and I wondered what I was supposed to do, to learn, to be, in this �Grand Plan�. Then one day I had enough. I just decided I wanted it all to go away. I wanted to be free from the torture. If not for my love and consideration for my parents� feelings I might have simply taken my own life just to shut off the pain. Instead I went and hid myself in a bottle, sharing the space with another damaged soul who had been fed the same �truth� and gagged on it. I stayed in hiding for ten years attempting to understand during sober times what it was all about. No amount of reconciliation of the information made any sense and so I felt lost, dragged through life at the end of a fishing pole, the hook tearing at my mouth all the while thinking about when it would be over.

Almost two years ago I began to take back my life. First things first I decided to rid myself of my addiction to smoking. My entire self discovery stems from the introspection that followed. I tried again to find the faith my Father assured me would give me strength but instead I found anger and a feeling as though I was a victim of a petty and unforgiving Superior Being who was playing around with humans and demanding worship in exchange for nothing but a promise of eternal damnation if you don�t suffer your life and worship. It was when I finally abandoned �Faith� that I found peace.

I suppose that is the reason that Buddhism has always appealed to me (not the Romanized version that exists today but the actual writings of Buddha). He doesn�t deal with what comes next. No �vision of the afterlife� is embraced, denied, or described. Instead he simply deals with now. Compassion for the other souls sharing this existence requires us to respect and forgive. Goodness is not rewarded or required but it is respected and encouraged. People are encouraged to recognize that life is hard, �existence is unhappiness� and every beautiful fleeting moment should be embraced. Don�t waste your precious time wondering what you did to deserve your lot or what your �task� is. Life is random and �shit happens�, Live, Learn, Love and understand that it doesn�t matter what comes next all you have is now.

By letting go of �faith� I found a real and meaningful appreciation of the fragile and wonderful reality of life. I don�t wonder about the plan, I live. I don�t ask �why me?� I recognize that it is all random and good people suffer, bad people suffer, all people suffer life in one way or another and so I have forgiveness for them and in turn for myself.

By the time it is my turn to shuffle off this mortal coil I hope that I will be able to say to those I leave behind I never lost the wonder at the incredible happenstance that is this existence. If something lies beyond this life I will face it the way I face this life, day by day, moment by moment, one breath at a time.

I wish you Peace.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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