Yesterday, just before I left work, I got an e-mail from my boss informing me that I was up for my yearly review (my first one in this department) and scheduling the appointment for the last day I am at work before my surgery on my wrist. If I haven�t already mentioned it he is almost ten years younger than me and that is somewhat disconcerting all by itself but the idea of him reviewing my performance does not sit well with me. It doesn�t help that this is his first managerial position and he is not the best manager I have ever had. It�s not that he is bad he is simply inexperienced. I hate reviews anyway because most of the time they are artificially written to insure that you do not qualify for too high a raise or that promotion you were promised if you �do well� in the position. I am certain I will not receive my promised promotion regardless of my excellent performance because the review will be average and the company is �belt tightening�.

I am 41 years old. I do not want to go job hunting again. I don�t want to start over. I like the people I work with. Besides, when I interviewed here they made this place out to be the best employer and a stable company and business with a history. In the course of my year and a half there have been two lay offs and shut down of a facility. People who had worked here for twenty years were let go. How do I know the next company won�t misrepresent themselves to me? I am told I should be happy to have a job but the reality is I can not afford to live in an apartment and have no hope to purchase a house in Southern California. With twenty years experience in the workforce and a Bachelors degree I don�t get paid enough to live here.

I am faced with a really hard choice. I will either have to resign myself to living in a trailer (or on my boyfriend�s good graces) or go looking for a new job. It doesn�t help that I still have a broken wrist and my medical insurance is too expensive to self pay. Most companies make you wait 90 days before you get coverage. There is always that to consider. What would happen if they let me go? I would have to settle for a deformed wrist because I could not afford to get it repaired. I am trapped in a company that undervalues me by an injury I obtained on my mountain bike while playing like a woman half my age.

Speaking of women half my age, my neighbor is turning twenty one. Suddenly I feel incredibly old.

And I dreamed about my ex last night. I was trapped in an elevator with him and we screamed at each other. I never fought with him when we were together, not really, mostly I just backed down. In my dream I screamed at him in a way I never did when we were together. It actually felt good. I just wish he would move out of my head like he moved out of my life.

I am also scared that the surgery next week will not �fix� my wrist or will make things worse. What will I do if I can�t use my wrist? What will I do if I can�t work? How will I survive? My friends say �everything will be alright� but the reality is that it might not be alright. Stuff happens and people�s lives are destroyed every day. Every day someone in the world weeps over a lost loved one. Everyday a mother is told their child will be scarred for life. No one is protected from random chance. You can not pray your way out of things.

Of course my fear won�t change anything either so I will simply have to let it go as well.

This living in the moment, letting go thing is hard.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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