First let me express my thanks to Z for my wonderful new gif, you are right it does have my name all over it. Second, I am feeling better. I was ill, and that fact coupled with exhaustion from the move and a total lack of momentum lead to the last post. I have taken steps. I went to the doctor and I am taking an antibiotic for the infection that was causing my fever and lethargy. I found out at the doctors office that my weight gain was not nearly as bad as I suspected and thus within my ability to roll back. And, I took the day off and slept, rested, ate home-made chicken soup, baked in the sun and read a little Stephen King (he is always good for what ails me).

I just found out a wonderful friend of mine raye ROSE has been published online and I am very happy for her. She is a darling little thing and despite her tender age she has provided me with support for the illness we share. She faced the disease sooner in life than I did and in this she is the elder. We often trade off the part of older, wiser one, dependent on the subject. I am lucky to know her.

I have been removed from someone�s buddy list. I was always a little surprised that I was there in the first place and I suppose the removal was simply cleaning up excess clutter still I find myself a little bothered by it. It is strange how we become concerned about the world�s perception and thus give others the power to affect our self esteem. When I began this I always assumed that no one but the one friend that turned me on to this site would ever read my words. Once or twice others have stumbled on to it and left me notes and I returned the favor. Some I still read, others I have lost interest in, only rarely do I respond. I suppose it is enough for me to be spurned in the 3D world with out setting myself up here. This brings me back to the aforementioned buddy list, I�m not sure if I am hurt or not. I suppose not, but still I am writing about it so it must have had an affect anyway.

My dear friend (of the poetry site) mentioned how she often looks back on her work and thinks �OMG that sucks, how could I think that was good?� I told her that she needs to do it because it makes her happy and not worry about what others think, art is by definition subjective, but now I think I am simply a coward. I don�t put my stuff out there because I am afraid it will be judged poor and rejected. If I don�t seek approval it can not be with held from me. And now I�m off the buddy list *sigh*. I should call this �Diary of a co-dependent, alcoholic, mental patient who�s only desire is to be liked by everybody damnit!� I promise I will not whine anymore. It�s time to suck it up and get back to it. I suppose there will come the day when I just can�t suck it up anymore but today is not that day. Just keep swimming�.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

�