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2014-04-21 - 8:13 a.m.

Today is the day. After all our work we are going on the market today. Didn't get everything done but the most important and visible stuff is looking good. I'm so very tired and I go back to work tomorrow. I'm sad I didn't get to pay more attention to the kid during his holiday break. He watched way too much "TV" (netflix since we don't have broadcast TV) and other than some fun dyeing, hiding and finding eggs we had no special activities with him.

Some times I feel like I am not giving him enough. I know I can not make him the center of the world, it's not good for him, but I don't want him to feel neglected either.

Nice thing for me, he has identified me as the truth teller. That makes me happy. A while ago, when I was in therapy my therapist asked me about my favorite show. I really like Greys @natomy. She asked me which character I identified with and for a moment I was stumped. I looked at all the women in the show and although I liked the actresses and they were certainly strong well acted characters I didn't really identify with any of them. She suggested I look at the male characters and I realized I liked Alex. On the surface he was/is abrasive and annoying but he always tells the truth. It is the one thing he has that he can feel good about. I'm not deluded, I realize that truth isn't always absolute. But as long as I stay true to myself and the people I love to the best of my ability I will be ok with myself.

I am not perfect, in fact I am flawed in so many ways. I am so uncomfortable around people I fall back on the truth to get me through. My life has been complex and twisty, I am still alone in many ways. My Darling is my best friend and my hearts desire but he is also the source of my angst at times (as is anyone's significant other). There is no one else I can imagine facing the world with but in the end we are all alone on the stage of our life. As a lost friend of mine eloquently said "the facts are irrefutable, everyone dies alone". Alternatively we live alone too. No one is privy to the mess in out head. We fight our demons and beat down the voices that torture our days and haunt our dreams on our own, always alone. I have friends who would tell me I am never alone but I don't share their faith. It's not that it isn't a nice idea but having read the books and learned the religions I just find them all to be far too human for worship or faith. Why the concept of an omnipotent creator in need of worship is silly. The stories paint a picture of a Father figure who is petulant and lacking compassion. I am a parent, I understand unconditional love. How can I believe in a Father who lacks compassion. I have tried to believe because I know it gives so many people comfort but for me, I find comfort in the random. I believe that everything that happens is random. Goodness has no reward and evil often avoids punishment, I am evolved, I choose good because my intellect and the compassion that is the result of the empathy attached to that intellect doesn't allow me to knowing harm another. I respect others who do good for goodness sake and not to avoid some eternal punishment.

So I tell the truth and I do my best to do right by people. It doesn't make my life any easier but it means I can live with myself.

Wow, I wandered off a little there, didn't I?

As to the house, I hope that it sells quickly and for close to what we are asking. I hope the move goes well and my new life with my family is good.

Fingers crossed.

I wish you Peace

~alison~


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First night - 2014-06-20

Quick update - 2014-06-19

The rush is coming - 2014-05-12

Everything will be alright. - 2014-05-02

Nothing happening - 2014-04-28


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