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2014-03-27 - 7:46 a.m.

I'm still feeling bad about the move. I feel as though I'm not really able to manage it all even though I know I have always done what was needed. I put my head down and grunt my way through. I have never felt as though I could indulge in the luxury of breaking down and letting someone else carry the load. The closest I have gotten is my current situation where my Darling is the almost sole supporter of our family. My little pittance of a pay check (+ tips) covers very little, groceries, the last of my debt from my wandering years, and any medical bills we acquire. Everything else is paid for by my Darling.

We were talking the other day about this situation. We have separate accounts. My name is on his account and his on mine so separate but shared to some extent but he never spends from my account (there is never much n my account) and I rarely spend from his. There are advantages to this. He never has to worry about me spending money that he has planned for something else and/or not discussing an expenditure, the classic stereotype "she's spending my money again". It has a downside in that I am poor and he is not. He knows how much our living expenses are and what is left over after bills are paid, I rely on him to determine if we can afford something I would like but can not pay for after my responsibilities are covered. I feel uncomfortable asking for money for anything. I would rather pinch pennies rather than ask for money. This bothers My Darling because he doesn't like the idea of me being poor when he isn't but he often buys things for himself and resents when I "spend his money" on something he doesn't think we need. If he wants it then it is worth it, if I want it then it is a waste of his money. I resent him sometimes because I feel as though my wants have less value than his. I have never said no when he asked about buying something he wants, regardless of how I feel about it since it is his hard work that garnered the funds. Not that I don't work hard and am paid far less than my work deserves, but black and white, he makes more and so he gets what he wants. If I can scrape together the funds for something I buy it for us or myself, otherwise I do without.

Now we have all sorts of things to buy to both fix up this place for sale and personalize our new space. My folks are going to pay for the installation of their bath but we will need to change locks, paint walls, clean rugs maybe and repair/replace some hardware. This will cost money and My Darling is resenting spending his hard earned money on a house he isn't thrilled with. He was on board back when we bid on it but more and more he is realizing it isn't what he wanted and there isn't much for him in this house. So I have to make my money stretch even farther. I have to beg for hours and grovel for tips and hope I can make enough to fund the many things related to this move.

Of course most of this is outside my control. I can not help my Darling feel good about this move, he will have to find a way himself. I can not hurry all this along, it will take as long as the bank and Realtors say. I can, however, make a plan and stick to it. For now, I am packing at least one box a day. We have a storage unit near My Darlings work and he will transport boxes in small batches on his way to/from work. I am also weeding out items for a garage sale. I optimistically saved many of the baby things in the hopes that I might manage another baby but in light of my age I think we can safely assume that ship has sailed. We might make a little moving money selling off some really well kept baby things.

I have returned to my "make it happen" mode. It requires me to disconnect from my feelings a little making me a bit distant but it helps me to get through it all with out melting down. To much at stake for me to fall apart.

I have already packed my box for today I just need to get out and do so shopping.

On a lighter side, I am going to give Julia Childs Coq au Vin a try. It was designed for cooking roosters so I am hoping it will make our tough little birds edible. Wish me luck!

I wish you Peace

~alison~


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Nothing happening - 2014-04-28

On the Market. - 2014-04-21

- - 2014-04-16

Fits and Starts, but here - 2014-04-14

Bit by Bit - 2014-03-31


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